No matter how much we look at our lives, the reality is that each day we are closer to our death. May sound pretty morbid or could be super exciting to make sure that we leave no stone unturned on our life path. Last night I spent the night with a friend who had lost her mother earlier that day. I felt OK during the process and we sat and chatted about “stuff” her mum, especially the things that she did and said. All in all it was a bitter sweet evening. I tossed and turned all night as I reminded myself why I was sleeping next to my friend. I didn’t want her to be alone and she didn’t want to by herself. Understandably so and for one night all I could do was lie next to her. Sometimes that is all we need from another, to just hold the space and be there.

It is May and this year grief has been in my face. My aunt died suddenly, my cousin committed suicide a few months later, and a beloved furbaby was dying in front of my eyes, an old neighbour passed and now the death of my friends mum. Yup one could say I am in the midst of grief. Is it good? Is it bad? Does it even need to be defined? What I do know is that is a massive rollercoaster of emotions.

What I have learnt most is to ride it as best as I possibly know how. So this morning when I got home I thought about my Nonna the matriarch of our family and tried to muster her strength, determination and wisdom. I found her tribute DVD, watched it and sobbed like a baby. Some may think it may not have been the best of decisions considering how fragile I was feeling but the therapy of releasing was exactly what my body was yearning.

There is no magical handbook nor is there a wand to make it go away. What I am beginning to learn about myself in grief is to really be gentle and in those moments to learn from what is going on. It is inevitable and we are all going to die. I get it. What I don’t want to do is shove down my grief so that it manifests into other “stuff” in my life that is not healthy or is detrimental. The fun or not so fun thing about grief is that with each death or situation that presents if there is something that you haven’t dealt with it pops up, just like magic. Rest assured it will happen. It may transpire into anger, resentment or bitterness so best to feel it and begin to heal.

I am not an expert in the field of grief and loss and nor do I claim to be, what I do know about is my own grief and my own experiences. Honour your grief and be happy that you are actually feeling. Having lived depression there is nothing worse than not being able to feel at all. Be grateful that you are feeling. Sit with your pain and hurt and give yourself permission to cry. The release is insurmountable and the relief is instant. It doesn’t make it go away but it soothes the soul somewhat. Don’t shove down your tears, let them out and crying is just as important as laughing.  Allow yourself to receive. Tell people you love and trust that you are not OK and know that you are safe and loved. There is so much strength in our vulnerability and it allows us to grow.

For me writing is an outlet that allows me to express the gazillion things that go on in my head. It allows me to clear the fog and I am able to make sense on what is going on for me. To own what is mine and to be still in the moments of what I am feeling. Find what works for you and allowing yourself to be involved in creative energy can be magical.

We are all on this planet for an amount of time to fulfil a purpose, to love and to fully live the lives that we were meant to live. Living each day as if it is your last to some may sound erratic and crazy. My interpretation is to live with no regret and to know that each decision and action that I make is from love and compassion for me, for those around me and the world in which I live. Grief can be one of our toughest lessons that we will ever learn and at times we feel like we are literally being dragged through the mud, thrown around and beaten up. What I do know is that there is no easy fix, there is no one solution other than to show up, be in the moment, feel and explore the emotions as they come up. In the midst of the wave there is a break and love always transpires.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

With huge love

Sonia

xxoo