4. Growth requires you to leave the familiar behind

23. Apr
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Connection, Courage, Grief, Mental Health,
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No Comments

In 2015 my cousin died by suicide and chose to go home. I inherited her blue dinner set. My Zia gifted us with her earthly possessions and it is something that I use almost every day. Most days I don’t even notice it and on some days, it hits home harder than others. I often feel her nudges and cheeky playful spirit in the back ground to remind me why I am here. Suicide has taken two family members, my Nonno and cousin Cathy. The impact and death of these family members has shaped me in so many ways. The reality of their death has allowed me to understand the depth and meaning of so much more.

In August 2020 after I experienced a break down, followed by a break up, moving of states and everything else in between I was struggling to be here. Big time! It consumed my thoughts and I searched high and low for some peace. My all-consuming thoughts of despair engulfed me and the space of nothingness that felt too difficult to bear. The thought of death allowed me to feel some comfort. It didn’t mean that I was contemplating suicide, earth just felt like a really hard place to be. It was those darkest of days and months that actually taught me to be all of who I am. I gave myself permission to be my most authentic self with no masks and no labels.

Up until that time in my life I had felt that suicide prevention and awareness was my purpose and would always be a part of my life work. Whilst I still feel very strongly about the alarming statistics the way I view the world ultimately has changed or perhaps I have simply remembered who I am. What I do know is that when we have disconnected from the truth of who we are, a diagnosis of depression can easily be articulated. When you are no longer in alignment with gives you peace, the disharmony perpetuates and ill health is inevitable.

For me the disconnect was gradual. The reconnection wasn’t a specific time or place. It was almost 2 years of leaving no stone unturned and being willing to feel it all. It was trusting my own inner wisdom and guidance to do things differently. If it was up to western medicine I would be medicated and dictated by a diagnosis. It doesn’t mean that the healing has stopped, our healing is ever evolving and we get to meet different versions of ourselves each and every time.

To my Nonno who I have never met in this lifetime, I honour your path and take grace in what you have been able to teach me in your death. Cathy your cheeky spirit and courage allows me to understand so much more. Thank you for your guiding light and shining it on my path, leading the way. For in your death, you have taught me the gift of life.

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

2. From disconnection to creative inspired connection.

In September 2020 I didn’t just trip and fall, I fell smack bang on my face and had no idea what the F(*K had just happened. My mental health was on the decline and it was rapid, so much so that I had managed another admission into a psychiatric ward. A few months later I left the unhealthy relationship I was in, my home and job that I loved and moved back to Melbourne to be closer to family. Everything I knew was no longer. To say I was experiencing a dark night of the soul would be an understatement. It was a treacherous 18 months of rediscovering and remembering why I was here. There is always a message amongst the mess, yet the discovery wasn’t fun nor easy. In fact, it has been a shit load of pain, discomfort, severing of many unions and knowing now that I have unwavering faith of the strength that resides within.

My focus for recovery was that it had to be holistic. I sought many complimentary therapies that allowed me to look at the pillars of life when I was ready and willing. Within 6 months I had weaned myself off medication (under the guidance of a professional) and after a year I hired a coach to further support my wellbeing. I searched high and low for help and guidance of some kind, something tangible and something that would support me exactly where I was at. Each step of my recovery was different and required different modalities to meet me where I was at.

The truth was that I didn’t know exactly what I needed, however I did know that life for me as I knew it was no longer. At the time I was actively contributing to my community; I was employed as a disability advocate, I enjoyed being social, the beach was my happy place and for the most time I felt connected. What I wasn’t was truly connected to my authentic self. I was connected to aspects of self but I had neglected and abandoned myself in so many ways that it came in full force with a breakdown. I had no choice but to stop. It was the pause that I needed. Little did I know what would unravel at this time.

I couldn’t possibly encapsulate that time in one blog. It hasn’t been one thing and it has been everything. When I was discharged from hospital I was given minimal support, a shit load of medication and was left to navigate a system that unfortunately I knew my way around. Except this time, I found another way. What I do know is that this does feel like my life work. Lived experience, support, community, connection and a wholistic approach was how I supported myself especially through the last 2 years. As a peer support mentor I know that my why is guiding and supporting others from a space of disconnection to creative connection because stars can only shine in the darkness.

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

4. A breakdown, breakup and whole lot of breakthroughs!

I have wanted to write this blog for a long while and found myself sitting in a lot of resistance and fear. The last 2 years have been huge and one in which I am still unfolding. A dear friend passed away about a month ago and I was jolted into how precious and short life can truly be. Within the same hour of finding out that she had passed I was also fortunate enough to win a scholarship to some business coaching. The polarity of emotion was extreme to say the least. It was the push I needed to finally launch my business into the world.

The last couple of years have been tough as they have been for so many. I struggled and at times still do. It’s not as heavy and consuming as it once was and I still have my moments. Earth can be a pretty dense place to live and life isn’t always filled with happiness and sunshine. Sometimes it is shit and hard. Yet we only seem to want to relish in the so called “good times”. We tend to shy away from the so called “hard” emotions and are told that in order to succeed that we “should” be positive and that happiness is a natural state of emotion. For me being content in it all feels far better than trying to shove the “perceived” bad emotions out of the way. I have found some pretty big nuggets sitting through my pain and the wisdom that I have been able to transpire has led me here.

I am not suggesting that we are born to suffer, we are most certainly not. However stars can only shine in the darkness. Community and connection are paramount. For me it was the light of my loved ones that allowed me to witness what I could not at the time. For a long while especially after being hospitalised, followed by a break up, moving states and a global pandemic I found earth a really hard place to be. Mum and Dad took me under their wings; I had no desire to look after myself and just living felt excruciating. I had very few people that were able to sit with me in that space. There is a lot around this and one in which I continue to explore. Light only exists because of the darkness and once we can truly embody all of this, is where I believe the magic truly lies.

The mental health of our nation is in crisis. The last two years has forced us to deal with what could no longer be hidden. It smacked us in the face even if we weren’t ready. I know and understand the depths of darkness and the beauty of igniting your light. It’s not easy or comfortable and the disconnection of self can be paralysing. However what I do know is by simply having the courage to own all of, it allows you the freedom to simply be you, to anchor your light and to truly remember who you are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

14. I am willing to release the pattern in me that is creating and negative conditions in my life.

Healing, growing and learning is an aspect of life that we are always visiting. Personal responsibility is one of my greatest values and a quality that I admire in others. When we are able to look at a situation from a perspective that offers a different viewpoint it is also able to release patterns of negativity. I know for me one of the greatest challenges is the way in which I view the world at the moment. Having lived in Melbourne for most of my life it has been terribly difficult to view what has been going on without negativity and distaste.

How do we navigate what is going on in the world without being negative? I am not a fan of toxic positivity either. We simply can’t smile, say an affirmation and hope for the best. I know that this week for me stirred a response especially when I heard the news that a race affiliated to Melbourne Cup was going to go ahead. Why this was even contemplated made absolutely no sense to me. A week prior I watched a friend’s mum funeral where grandchildren were not able to attend. The pews at the back of the church were completely empty. The grandchildren potentially all could be seated safely distanced and adhered to the current guidelines. This was not allowed. Yet a horserace was being organised and more than 10 people being allowed to attend. Is this the current climate in which we want to live?

The decision for the horse race to occur was overturned. Voices were heard and some kind of rational mentality was implemented. As far as I was concerned the damage was done and the fact that this particular race was contemplated indicates that the restoration of humanity is far down the list of agenda items. For me this also indicates hope and that all of our actions matter. All of our voices deserve to be heard no matter how fragile or vulnerable they may be.

I know that I can’t continue to be angry with what is going on in the world. I can’t be led by frustration and negative patterns of helplessness instead I can focus my attention outwards to the many attributes of how I can be the change that I want to see in the world. If I remain the same and just pour out anger and distaste this is what will simply follow. Instead if I can connect back to my own inner light and sit with whatever is going on for me then I can connect back to the true essence of who I am and why I am here. Is it easy or fun to sit in the uncomfortableness of negativity? Pretty sure that is a no but what I do know that from this space there is growth and hope. What I do know is that the world needs our light more than ever. Blessed be and so it is. Thank you.

#2020#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

13. No one gets to choose for me. I make my own choices

I went to a counselling session a few months ago. I was feeling very overwhelmed with life and not being able to see my family. My family is all based in Melbourne and I live on the Gold Coast. I have been living here for over 3 years. What I love most is that I could literally jump on a plane and be there in 2 hours and could do so every 8 weeks or so. I was explaining to the counsellor that I felt like my choice had been taken away. She disagreed. She explained that I did have a choice and that if I needed to get to Melbourne I could. To be perfectly honest she frustrated me with her answer so I didn’t explore what she said any further.

The reality is I can’t get on a plane and see my family when I choose and giving people perspectives in these situations isn’t always helpful as it doesn’t validate what is going on for the person. I have had endless discussion with people about choice especially when it comes to the pandemic that globally we are experiencing. For me it feels that our choices have been stripped from our very eyes and as a collective we are allowing it. Our government now chooses how we celebrate life, death and everything else in between.

I have stopped trying to allow other to understand my viewpoint and it is no longer my business. What I get to choose now is how I feel about certain areas of my life and. I’m tired of the polarity of arguments that is caused by what has been perceived to be either right or wrong instead of humanity rising in unity consciousness. For a long while I had been pouring a lot of energy into prochoice and in the process a massive cull of so called friends. That is OK. I understand that I am not here to be loved by everybody. I am simply here advocating for choice. So what we do get to choose is our thoughts and within that there also has to be a process.

For me right now I have no control or choice about getting to Melbourne. The borders are closed and I am basically not allowed in. Do I need to be positive and happy about it? No I don’t. I’ve listened to personal stories of people only being allowed to spend hours with their loved ones before they pass. Being forced to have the flu vaccination so that can see their parents in care and legislation that requires you to wear a mask even if you are in the middle of nowhere with no one around. So I choose action and in that I choose to connect further to how I can serve humanity.

What is my responsibility? What is my responsibility to my community? I am sure it is not being an angry bird and shouting posts of injustice (Although I have done) For me it is about connection to self, to come from a deeper understanding of who we are and what we are doing on this planet. Choosing what we want our lives to look like and taking action in doing so. If we are not taking the small steps towards ourselves and the community what hope do we have do rise in unity consciousness for the greater good? Whilst the light within is still burning there is always a choice of hope.

2020#connect2createchange#.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoo

12. I create a bubble of ease around me when I travel

Creating a bubble of ease feels pretty pertinent to me right now. I live on the Gold Coast and for most of the time the energy is light and vibrant. However this is not always the case. A few days ago I visited Centrelink for a client. I was attempting to advocate and was abruptly greeted by a security guard who requested information. I was then asked the same questions only seconds later by a Centrelink staff member. There were no salutations, no smile and no sign of human connection. I was perplexed as to why the same questions needed to occur. I’m not entirely sure how the information that I presented about cold\flu like symptoms or questions about travel could have changed from the front door to the front desk.

By this time my energy felt heightened and there was no bubble of ease. I get it everyone in the world seems to be under huge amounts of stress and government officials are simply trying to follow instructions. What I am curious about is how does the simplicity of connection get lost through translation? Why couldn’t there be a smile? Why couldn’t the questions be asked in a more dignified manner opposed to barking orders? How do we navigate this world right now with ease?

For me my senses are heightened. I become anxious in harsh settings so I am finding new ways to create a bubble of ease when I travel to complete daily work and personal tasks. For my Melbourne family and friends I know this is an area that has become somewhat normal. I am finding our new so called “normal” confronting and somewhat suffocating. The signs that remind us not to stand too close, the arrows on the floors that dictate which way we are meant to be walking and the screens behind each counter that are protecting us from the spread of further infection.

So how do we travel with ease when it seems that as a collective we are somewhat divided? How do we continue to come from a place of love when we can have such opposing views in regards to what is happening in our universe? I am tired of debating what is true to me. It saddens me that I don’t know when I will see my family next. My soul hurts that so many are suffering because of restrictions. It is a cruel and harsh reality that we cannot celebrate life and death in ways that we are accustomed. We are all affected in one way or another but what we do have is compassion, what we do have is spirit and what we do have is a beating heart that reminds us that we are alive. A heart that sings true to the collective response of unity in consciousness and a reminder of being leaders of hope in all that we do.

2020#connect2createchange#.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

6. Today I move forward with confidence & ease.

I have struggled to blog lately. One of the “rules” that I imposed on myself is that I would write about living with a compassionate heart even on the days when I didn’t want to. This allows me to see another side. It doesn’t allow me to sit in my crap and lay blame, instead it forces me to sit up and take responsibility for my own creation. Otherwise you would simply be reading a blog about how FKT up it has all felt. Entertaining perhaps but I imagine not so useful.

I read the affirmation for today and pondered how exactly do we move forward with confidence and ease? How can I write about this when I don’t feel confident or at ease with all the events that are taking place right now? Then I felt that this was exactly what I had to write about. The last few weeks have been heavy and unnerving to say the least. I haven’t felt very positive about the world and I have struggled to understand the huge polarity in viewpoints.

Towers in Victoria are being locked down and people are now being detained in their own homes without the liberty of even being able to access an outdoor area. Children entering Victorian schools will now have a temperature gun pointed to their third eye prior to entering a classroom. Masks are now mandatory on public transport. Not sure about you but that doesn’t make me feel at ease. What I do know is that I also don’t want to live in fear and I certainly live with hope that this is not our new normal. So how do I move forward with confidence and ease with compassion?

What I have recognised is what I can do and that is to use my voice. To trust that there is a bigger purpose for us all. To know that I just can’t sit back and expect it to happen and that I have to be a part of the solution and not the problem. Whilst I stay in a state of fear and anger there is nothing that I can do for myself or the world. What I do know is that I can keep being light. I have had endless conversations about what is going on in our world right now. There has been a sense of helplessness that there is nothing that we can do.

#connect2createchange# is a project that I have been working on for a while now. It has changed its direction a few times now but the message is always the same. Connection! Without connection to self we simply just exist. If we stay the same so does the rest of world. If we think we can’t do anything then we won’t. I’m not sure about you but I don’t want to have to wait to be locked in my home to exercise the right to be outside. We take action, we speak up, and we become unafraid to seek justice. We move forward with grace and ease.

#2020#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

4. Choosing to wade through the mud is often what bears the greatest gifts

23. Mar
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Awareness, Blessings, Connection, Feelings, Forgiveness,
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No Comments

I woke up thinking about my cousin Cathy this morning. She took her own life over 4 years ago. I think of her a lot, but more so in my times of shutdown or when I am feeling somewhat disconnected to myself. Her life continues to offer me hope and inspiration. You see I don’t really believe that Cathy wanted to die (she may have) we can never know for sure. But I truly feel she just wanted the pain to stop. What saddens me the most about her death is that in the depths of her darkness she didn’t reach out. Did she even know how? I have come to a place of forgiveness about this for myself but it is also what pushes me to create an impact about suicide prevention and awareness.

Loss of connection to self can be debilitating and for a long time I didn’t even know what that meant. Now I do and I know the difference but it doesn’t mean that I am never sad, grumpy, angry or flat. In fact this can be quite the contrary. In the last few weeks I have felt angry and defeated and haven’t necessarily been able to pinpoint it to a particular event or situation. Sure there are some instances and situations that may have triggered that emotion but I also know that it has presented to have a little dance with.

I am very blessed that the people in my life love me for who I am so I don’t have to pretend to be happy if I am not. They usually know as soon as I say hello that something is up. When I was chatting to a friend the other day who had been feeling in a similar way we also acknowledged the gifts that come from the disconnection. We are meant to experience all spectrums of life. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around being a grumpy ass hole but it is also important to be kind to the grumpy asshole that made an appearance. As much as I love unicorns and rainbows sometimes I just want to throw glitter in people’s faces that have pushed my buttons! As much as that would give me a giggle I know that is mostly about bringing it back to me. What part have I played to create this? What do I need to learn or let go of? Acknowledging and being in those moments is often part of the process for growth.

For now I know that action is important. Sometimes it is the simplest of moments that make a difference. Yesterday I watched a young toddler take pure delight in opening a lollipop and sucking it straight into his mouth. What joy! It is the connections that we weave that create the most magic. It is the conscious conversations and level of responsibility in all that we do that ultimately makes a difference. When we can appreciate our differences and have a common respect and loyalty for all humanity then ultimately freedom transpires. Choosing to wade through the mud is often what bears the greatest gifts. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xxx

3. Be the change you want to see in the world – GHANDI

I have been working the community services for the last 15 or so years. I have generally loved the jobs that I have had and have always done them with passion and purpose. That is not to say that I am a bag of roses each and every day when I go into work. In fact some days are led by frustration and systems that don’t necessarily work and choose to keep people stuck. This blog isn’t about politics or the system rather it has come from a place of sheer frustration that requires some change.

My positions have ranged in aged care, mental health and disability. Funnily enough just over 10 years ago I worked for the same organisation in Melbourne that I am now working on the Gold Coast. Funny or not I feel like I may have very well come full circle. Sure some things may have changed in terms of the way services are delivered but the same issues are still persistent. This is most definitely not a political rant although I am sure I could very well go there.

I have been frustrated at annoyed at what I like to call “the system” for such a long time and for a myriad of reasons. The main one being is that at the crux of it there seems to be a loss of connection with the people that we are providing a service for. My feeling of frustration and somewhat resentment comes from the conversations, the struggles and the issues that are presented when we are working with vulnerable people. This isn’t isolated to one specific event or organisation rather my personal experience and reflection when working for a service and also in receiving one.

My younger sister lives with an intellectual disability and my primary passion for being able to work effectively within services and “the system” has arisen from her. In saying that I feel that my life work is about social justice and allowing everybody to have the choice to live their life in the way that they choose. This is not to say that places and organisations do not exist, instead what it means is some of my experiences continue to be the contrary.

So do I continue to complain or take action and make a difference? I know that doing what you have always done, always gets you what you have always got. I don’t have the answers nor do I have the solutions right now and I know that Rome wasn’t built in a day. However what I do know is that I can’t keep complaining about it. We all have the ability to create change. So for now I am putting it out there, doing some research, asking questions and most importantly reaching out. Our universe needs so much love, connection and personal responsibility right now. Mother Earth is suffering, we lose someone to suicide every 4 hours, 22 fathers take their lives every week due to parental alienation and today I learnt about the loneliness epidemic that exists in our world as a major health issue. Be the change you want to see in the world. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoxoxo

14. The Accidental Finding of Treasure – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

06. May
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Awareness, Beautiful, Connection, Courage, Life, Love,
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No Comments

I was driving into a shopping centre yesterday; I hadn’t been there before so I was driving in a careful and possibly slower manner than what I would normally. The guy behind me ever so eloquently “beeped” and mouthed that I should hurry up. Being the quiet wallflower that I am my response although he didn’t hear was far from precious. As I heard myself cuss, I actually took myself by surprise. I attempted to do some laundry later that day and managed to somehow trip over nothing and spill pretty much a whole bottle of laundry liquid. I didn’t notice that I had knocked it at first. It was until it was seeping into my shorts that I realised what I had done and by this stage it was pretty much all over the bathroom floor. I growled a profanity and went to the beach instead. This morning I attempted and eventually succeeded to pay a Medicare bill online. Sounds rather simple I would say. The computer didn’t recognise my address; I had to download an app and almost give blood. Well not really I just thought I would continue being dramatic for a little while.

So clearly things are not in flow. Mishaps, falls and whatever else feel like a little sign, well for me it does anyway. I am pretty conscious of my own behaviours, thoughts and feelings. I believe that things happen for us and not to us. I could go on about the driver that reared his profanities or I could use it as an opportunity that allowed me to stop and take an account of what was and is going on for me. By the way I haven’t got it figured out. What I do know are the simple facts of where life has flowed in the last couple of days. To add insult to injury I also got two parking fines this week.

So I could make this blog about all the “stuff” that has happened and what a crappy last couple of days it has been or I can choose to focus on the relevance of what life brings. As “shitty” as it feels to receive a parking fine and sit in a pile of laundry liquid, I am able to sit back and reconnect to what is real and what is my perception. What is real is the love and gratitude that lives and all the beauty that my life is surrounded with.

So where frustration lies is always seeking an opportunity for growth and connection. As humans I feel that it is important and necessary to experience all the feelings that arise within us. No point in shoving them for they just appear in different ways. For me right now I am grateful for all the crappy or not so crappy stuff that happened this week. It is an awesome time to process, reflect and throw more love out into the world. For sometimes it is only when we disconnect from life that we are able to reconnect from a deeper place of passion and purpose. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xxxo

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