2. From disconnection to creative inspired connection.

In September 2020 I didn’t just trip and fall, I fell smack bang on my face and had no idea what the F(*K had just happened. My mental health was on the decline and it was rapid, so much so that I had managed another admission into a psychiatric ward. A few months later I left the unhealthy relationship I was in, my home and job that I loved and moved back to Melbourne to be closer to family. Everything I knew was no longer. To say I was experiencing a dark night of the soul would be an understatement. It was a treacherous 18 months of rediscovering and remembering why I was here. There is always a message amongst the mess, yet the discovery wasn’t fun nor easy. In fact, it has been a shit load of pain, discomfort, severing of many unions and knowing now that I have unwavering faith of the strength that resides within.

My focus for recovery was that it had to be holistic. I sought many complimentary therapies that allowed me to look at the pillars of life when I was ready and willing. Within 6 months I had weaned myself off medication (under the guidance of a professional) and after a year I hired a coach to further support my wellbeing. I searched high and low for help and guidance of some kind, something tangible and something that would support me exactly where I was at. Each step of my recovery was different and required different modalities to meet me where I was at.

The truth was that I didn’t know exactly what I needed, however I did know that life for me as I knew it was no longer. At the time I was actively contributing to my community; I was employed as a disability advocate, I enjoyed being social, the beach was my happy place and for the most time I felt connected. What I wasn’t was truly connected to my authentic self. I was connected to aspects of self but I had neglected and abandoned myself in so many ways that it came in full force with a breakdown. I had no choice but to stop. It was the pause that I needed. Little did I know what would unravel at this time.

I couldn’t possibly encapsulate that time in one blog. It hasn’t been one thing and it has been everything. When I was discharged from hospital I was given minimal support, a shit load of medication and was left to navigate a system that unfortunately I knew my way around. Except this time, I found another way. What I do know is that this does feel like my life work. Lived experience, support, community, connection and a wholistic approach was how I supported myself especially through the last 2 years. As a peer support mentor I know that my why is guiding and supporting others from a space of disconnection to creative connection because stars can only shine in the darkness.

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

5. When your pain becomes your purpose.

30. Oct
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Blessings, Change, Courage, Creative, Darkness, Release, Responsibility,
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To be able to communicate what has transpired in the last two years in a blog would be impossible. The lessons have been huge and the healing has not been linear. It hasn’t been fun and there has certainly been times where I have found earth a really a hard place to be. What I do know is feeling disconnected from self would have to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It is scary, numbing, it feels like turmoil, it is difficult to understand and you no longer feel like you belong to the world which you once knew.

A few years ago I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. My world around me was literally breaking down, myself included. My first hospital admission was at the age of 26 and I took pride in being medication free and well for 15 years. So when I found myself there AGAIN almost 20 years to the day I was like what the actual F*&K. How did I allow myself to get to the point of break down?

I was working as a Disability Advocate at the time and I was supporting people with mental health issues and here I was experiencing my own. Little did I realise at the time what would transpire would be an avalanche of wisdom and remembrance. Trust me it certainly didn’t feel like whilst I was in it. When I would hear people tell me that “everything happens for a reason” I honestly felt like telling them to F*&k right off. Spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity can be so detrimental to growth and my belief is that it is a huge disservice. If we don’t understand how we actually got to the space that we are in, then we can’t unravel what is.

Mental Health and its treatment from my own personal and professional experience is that is quickly labeled and medication is given to alleviate the symptoms. Sure medication has its place and it is sometimes required. I however don’t believe it is the only answer. The breakdown that I experienced ended with me being admitted to a psychiatric ward and medication was necessary. Thankfully for me, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew how to navigate the system and where to get support. My experience of medication this time around was something that I was adamant about having control over. For me it made me feel even worse than I already did. After 6 months with support I invested time and energy to alternatives.

However what wasn’t addressed was the massive disconnect that I had felt to self and others. How I had gotten to this point of what I felt like was no return. I felt like I was in the darkest of tunnels. It was the light of others and a shit load of inner work that allowed my own spark to be ignited again. What has transpired in the last few years was a complete unveiling of everything that I had known. This process is where the magic truly happens, where you are invited to invest in your own tools and wisdom to the remembrance of who you truly are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

4. A breakdown, breakup and whole lot of breakthroughs!

I have wanted to write this blog for a long while and found myself sitting in a lot of resistance and fear. The last 2 years have been huge and one in which I am still unfolding. A dear friend passed away about a month ago and I was jolted into how precious and short life can truly be. Within the same hour of finding out that she had passed I was also fortunate enough to win a scholarship to some business coaching. The polarity of emotion was extreme to say the least. It was the push I needed to finally launch my business into the world.

The last couple of years have been tough as they have been for so many. I struggled and at times still do. It’s not as heavy and consuming as it once was and I still have my moments. Earth can be a pretty dense place to live and life isn’t always filled with happiness and sunshine. Sometimes it is shit and hard. Yet we only seem to want to relish in the so called “good times”. We tend to shy away from the so called “hard” emotions and are told that in order to succeed that we “should” be positive and that happiness is a natural state of emotion. For me being content in it all feels far better than trying to shove the “perceived” bad emotions out of the way. I have found some pretty big nuggets sitting through my pain and the wisdom that I have been able to transpire has led me here.

I am not suggesting that we are born to suffer, we are most certainly not. However stars can only shine in the darkness. Community and connection are paramount. For me it was the light of my loved ones that allowed me to witness what I could not at the time. For a long while especially after being hospitalised, followed by a break up, moving states and a global pandemic I found earth a really hard place to be. Mum and Dad took me under their wings; I had no desire to look after myself and just living felt excruciating. I had very few people that were able to sit with me in that space. There is a lot around this and one in which I continue to explore. Light only exists because of the darkness and once we can truly embody all of this, is where I believe the magic truly lies.

The mental health of our nation is in crisis. The last two years has forced us to deal with what could no longer be hidden. It smacked us in the face even if we weren’t ready. I know and understand the depths of darkness and the beauty of igniting your light. It’s not easy or comfortable and the disconnection of self can be paralysing. However what I do know is by simply having the courage to own all of, it allows you the freedom to simply be you, to anchor your light and to truly remember who you are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

1. The money that comes to me today is a pleasure to handle. I save some and I spend some.

16. Jan
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Abundance, Creative, Money,
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The money that comes to me today is a pleasure to handle. I save some and I spend some.

About 7 years ago I set myself an experiment. I had begun reading a book by Louise Hay that was about positive thoughts and affirmations. My eldest sister had gifted me the book for Christmas and I had read it while I was on holidays. It had resonated with me on many levels and by a turn of serendipitous events I began blogging from an affirmation calendar also by Louise Hay. The challenge that I set myself at the time was that I would change every negative thought or experience into a positive one and then would see how my life would change in 365 days.

Little did I know at the time exactly what I had put out into the universe! Within a month or so the 7 year relationship that I was in ended. I had health issues that resulted in two surgeries and later took myself to volunteer in Cambodia. It was life changing to say the least. I know for me writing is like a life line and when I don’t I internalise all the crap that churns through my head, mind and thoughts. Instead when I do write it allows me to empty the junk and remain in my heart.

When I saw the Louise Hay calendar for sale online I felt the stirring to blog again on a regular basis. Today feels like the perfect time to start. I had thought that I was revisiting old ground but I know that I am not the person that I was 7 years ago and I know that some days it is impossible to turn a negative experience into a positive one. Instead what I can do is be real, raw and true to me.

The affirmation about money feels poignant for me and writing as I know as it has been one of the obstacles in getting my book published. I received a publishing contract and haven’t been able to fund my project for now. Last year also saw me become a sole trader and money was a constant worry to say the least. I have been away from home so my partner has been sending me the affirmations for the last few days. Yesterday a friend and I also spoke about finances and so it felt right to start today. For me it isn’t necessarily about the money instead the relationship that I have with money. It is also about being aware about the language that I use around money and absolutely knowing that I am worthy and deserving of abundance.

I don’t have my finance miraculously sorted but what I do have is faith and trust that I have the tools, resources and an abundance mindset to know the difference. For now I know that blogging with purpose feels like what I am meant to do. So although the affirmation for today may be about money for me it is an intention to create for when I do I am aligned with my true self. #2020#CREATE#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

1. Where there is great love there are miracles – Willa Cather

09. Jan
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Creative, Freedom, Love,
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I have felt the urge to write for a few days now. I am not sure why or what but I know that there is a part of me that needs to express. We all do. Our creative selves make up so much of our gift that we bring to the world, yet it sometimes seems to be the part that we neglect the most. Being in a creative energy allows grace and flow into our lives. When we are not being creative we are stuck and our energy can remain stagnant. When I talk about being creative, I am not necessarily talking about taking out a paint brush and easel. If that what being creative means to you then so be it. Instead for me being creative is also about being connected to self. Creative is different for all of us. I know that when I am not connected I simply exist. For most of the time this may work for some but at the core of our existence our soul knows that there is so much more.

For me writing is a big part of my creativity. Creativity can be expressed in so many ways. The way we cook, dress, interact and love is all a part of our creativity. When I am connected which allows me to be creative also allows for expansive love. Lately I have been challenged by the “system” in which we have succumbed to especially when it comes to people who live with a disability. This isn’t a political onslaught because trust me I could certainly go that way. Instead I am being challenged to look at it from a different perspective. At the moment my head and heart aren’t connected in this particular space. Sure there are aspects of it that are in complete alignment with humanity but unfortunately it can be a system fraught with debilitating circumstances. OK I said I wouldn’t rant.

So when I feel into the quote and the reason that I felt the urge to write I know and truly feel that there needs to be another perspective. I am not sure that it is one that can be transpired immediately. Instead what I do know is that if I continue to be a part of the problem then I can never be a part of the solution. I am pretty passionate about being a voice for those who are not able to do so for themselves. My little sister is my main motivator. She is nonverbal and although she may not express herself with words her communication and love expands beyond time and space. It was only this morning a friend text to let me know that she saw my little sister and could feel her love and freedom from afar. This is the gift and perspective that she has to offer the world with no words, simply her love. Her creativity in the freedom in the way she chooses to live her life is limitless. Where there is love there are great miracles. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoxoxo

9. What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered – Ralph Waldo Emerson

29. Apr
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Awareness, Beautiful, Blessings, Creative,
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A dandelion would have to be one of the prettiest weeds I know. I particularly love the analogy of the weed because just like the dandelion there are so many discoveries. We often look at weeds as something that we have to dig and get rid of. In life it is the same, without the weeds there are no discoveries. I particularly love the dandelion because for me it reminds me of fairies and all things magical, a chance to make a wish and start afresh.

For the last few months there have been quite a few weeds that I have been digging at and they have felt like crap. They have been murky, heavy and emotionally draining. I was yet to discover the virtues of the lessons presented. I don’t want to get into the story as that would simply be adding drama. We all might like a bit of drama at times but does that really ever get us anywhere? We may have self-satisfaction for a short time but it does nothing for our growth and soul. Sometimes it takes a while to process. I’ve been sitting in this story for a few months now and it’s far from being fun or conducive to anything. My creativity has been blocked in the process, life has not been in flow and there have been times of anxiousness and a rise in feeling overwhelmed.

The gifts of these “weeds” are the absolute beauty of finding the lessons that have allowed me to feel into what is actually going on. Sure it is easy to sit and feel sorry for myself and for a day or two that feels pretty cool. Combined with trashy TV and chocolate, it is a successful recipe for a downward spiral. Our light can become dim and we begin to wonder where the flicker has gone. The flicker never disappears it is always there, we may just have to dig a little deeper to switch it back on and discover a new awesome way to shine once again.

Having worked in Mental Health now for the last 6 months I tend to see so much of how easy it is to “not deal” with our stuff. It is easy to be consumed by the “story” and there are so many layers of self-discovery. What I do know is that I am no better than any other. We are all simply a mirror of what we are to learn. Possibly one of the hardest lessons to digest but one with so many treasures if we are willing to have the courage to feel vulnerable and exposed. There is a beautiful chant meditation that I did whilst in Cambodia that presented as “Humee Hum, Tumee Tum, Wahe Guru; I am Thine, in Mine, Myelf, Wahe Guru” – translating that we are own guru. [i]We are our own teacher and our infinite self knows all the answers. Blessed be and so it is. So it is done. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoxox

[i] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWdXplY87LA

1. SHOUT OUT TO EVERYBODY

So 2016 is already upon and it has moved in swiftly with a greater force than I anticipated. Day 14 of the New Year and I haven’t had a chance to sit, be and write. Today as I turned to my affirmation calendar for 2016 – 365 Days of Word to Inspire I came across this statement- SHOUT OUT TO EVERYBODY! So here I am. This year I have decided to just be in the moment of what is. To not have to think about what it is that I am going to write but to be totally guided by what I am feeling. On one side of my desk there is a calendar of words to inspire and on the other side there is a daily quote from the ever so admirable and honourable Dr Wayne W Dyer, a true hero. But for today it is a shout out to say that my blog still continues. It is about being real, authentic and being in the moment. It will always be about living with a compassionate heart, being of service and coming from a place of love even when I don’t feel like it.

I am going into my 3rd year of blogging and I would have to say that writing keeps me sane! It is my one true outlet that allows me to be free of whatever is trapped inside of my being. It gives me so much joy! It is an expression of what I sometimes can’t articulate and allows me to be in my truth with love and compassions. It allows me to unravel the intricacies of life and most importantly it makes me accountable for my own drama.

So whilst this blog is a “shout out to everybody” it is also a reminder about self-care. What do you do for self-care? What is your creative outlet? What do you do to unleash and unburden the gazillion thoughts that continuously stream through your mind? How do you let go of the pestering natter that goes on and on. I know for me it is so important and allows me to fill myself back up so I can give to others. Whilst my purpose is about making a difference and being of service, if I can’t love myself how can I do so for others?

For me this year is about play and fun! Life can be so serious sometimes and we can get so caught up in the mundane! F(*k that! There is so much living to do. So much exploring to be had, so many places to go! So as much as I have set my goals and aspirations for the year it is also a solid reminder to have fun, be cheeky, and reign in on some fairy fun! I know that in the last couple of days I have been having lots of belly laughs amongst the craziness and it has truly been the best medicine. So remember to smile because the world always smiles back. Blessed be and so it is. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xxx