1. When your chaos becomes your clarity

 

 

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Listening to our inner voice and knowing what is present in our bodies is not something we are generally taught to navigate. The disconnect that happens when we are not in alignment with ourselves can cause all kinds of chaos. For me personally I have known this all too well and had lived in disconnect for quite some time. I became comfortably numb. I cascaded down a deep dark hole and the attempt to climb out whilst it was coated in pain also gifted me a remembrance. Depression and anxiety became my new best friend in my mid 20’ and whilst it was debilitating, I was honoured with gifts of grace and humility. I was confronted with almost the same experience 20 years later. I was fraught with shame, confusion and guilt that I hadn’t been able to keep myself well. Possibly one of the worst things to feed a highly anxious, depressed and disconnected self.

I had more than dabbled with the system of mental health services and as much as we are lucky to have them available, I found that a lot of the work that I did was self-lead. Ultimately only I could be the one to make the changes to connect back to self and truly remember who I was and why I am here. The traditional services of what was available just didn’t work for me and fortunately or unfortunately couldn’t meet me where I was at. I had a lot of tools under my belt, I had kept myself “well” for 20 years. I was working as a disability advocate and had also been a peer support case manager yet I found myself to be on the opposite side of receiving services. This was great for my self-esteem and another layer that added to my perceived failure at the time.

What I couldn’t see was the massive disconnect to self that didn’t happen overnight, instead it happened over time and I became to understand it on a deeper level and knowing. When we keep adjusting ourselves to reflect our external surroundings and don’t live in the truth of our being we continue to neglect the essence of who we are. We may adjust ourselves for work, to people please, to keep the peace, to avoid conflict, to be accepted into a false reality or simply because we choose to dim our light for others to feel comfortable. It may not be noticeable to begin with and it may be a slight adjustment here or there but over time it causes chaos. Coming back to centre and connection to self becomes harder and living in the world of adjusting is what we have learnt to do.

Now I have come to learn and understand what that means to me. Recognising what connection and disconnection to self actually looks and feels like has been the catalyst for growth and expansion in my life. It has allowed me to understand myself in ways in which I have not known before. I am grateful for the depths of my darkness for it has allowed me to truly anchor my light in the here and now.

 

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

14. I am willing to release the pattern in me that is creating and negative conditions in my life.

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Healing, growing and learning is an aspect of life that we are always visiting. Personal responsibility is one of my greatest values and a quality that I admire in others. When we are able to look at a situation from a perspective that offers a different viewpoint it is also able to release patterns of negativity. I know for me one of the greatest challenges is the way in which I view the world at the moment. Having lived in Melbourne for most of my life it has been terribly difficult to view what has been going on without negativity and distaste.

 

How do we navigate what is going on in the world without being negative? I am not a fan of toxic positivity either. We simply can’t smile, say an affirmation and hope for the best. I know that this week for me stirred a response especially when I heard the news that a race affiliated to Melbourne Cup was going to go ahead. Why this was even contemplated made absolutely no sense to me. A week prior I watched a friend’s mum funeral where grandchildren were not able to attend. The pews at the back of the church were completely empty. The grandchildren potentially all could be seated safely distanced and adhered to the current guidelines. This was not allowed. Yet a horserace was being organised and more than 10 people being allowed to attend. Is this the current climate in which we want to live?

 

The decision for the horse race to occur was overturned. Voices were heard and some kind of rational mentality was implemented. As far as I was concerned the damage was done and the fact that this particular race was contemplated indicates that the restoration of humanity is far down the list of agenda items. For me this also indicates hope and that all of our actions matter. All of our voices deserve to be heard no matter how fragile or vulnerable they may be.

 

I know that I can’t continue to be angry with what is going on in the world. I can’t be led by frustration and negative patterns of helplessness instead I can focus my attention outwards to the many attributes of how I can be the change that I want to see in the world. If I remain the same and just pour out anger and distaste this is what will simply follow. Instead if I can connect back to my own inner light and sit with whatever is going on for me then I can connect back to the true essence of who I am and why I am here. Is it easy or fun to sit in the uncomfortableness of negativity? Pretty sure that is a no but what I do know that from this space there is growth and hope. What I do know is that the world needs our light more than ever. Blessed be and so it is. Thank you.

 

#2020#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

5. My neighbourhood is a joy to live in. As neighbours, we are all friendly, concerned for each other’s welfare.

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I had to laugh when I read the affirmation for today! If you had of heard me only a few weeks ago you would I heard that I was being anything but friendly to my neighbour. For the last two years I have lived in a complex when pretty much from Day 1 there was a complaint. Apparently body corporate bi laws is something I am not good at adhering to. No hanging clothes at the front of the home, no bikes to be displayed and definitely no BBQ’s! To say that this has consumed huge amounts of energy is an understatement. To say that I have learnt so much about myself and others through this process has been huge.

What I have learnt most is about what my soul is am willing and not willing to accept. The process has been fascinating to say the least. The core of the issues may have been about bikes and bbq’s but the true essence of the lesson is community and connection or lack thereof. For me it was about an unwillingness to communicate, lack of integrity, misuse of power and the inability to have a conversation.

What I am also finding through this process is that the actions of others allow me to learn more about myself. I have discovered that what I feel is fair and just is not the same as the next person. It is my job to let others see a different side? Do I really want my home to be in a place where for most of the time I don’t feel supported or that my neighbours don’t have my back? If this is how we do one thing then is not how we do everything? Or is it as simple as where I am no longer works for me. I know now more than ever it is time to move. I no longer have an interest in trying to wake people up to what I perceive as an injustice. If someone is happy to live in a world where injustice occurs and allows more of the same what is it that I am actually fighting for? For it is the disservice that I am doing to myself that is doing way more harm than good.

So when I summarise the affirmation for today for me it is about what I am choosing to surround myself with. To know that every human being is on their own journey and I do not have the right to be in judgment of where they are at. What I can do is put my energy into what I do desire and want not only for myself but for humanity. To live in a neighbourhood that is filled with joy with ALL of my neighbours being friendly and concerned for each other’s welfare. Blessed be and so it is. Thank you.

#2020#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

 

 

5. Truth never damages a cause that is just – MAHATMA GHANDI

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I have pondered about writing something around this issue and it is now the 2nd morning that I have awoken with anger and frustration. So instead of letting it seep out elsewhere I have decided to write about in the hope that truth and justice does prevail. I have worked in the community sector for over 15 years and for the most part loved the essence of what I do. However what I have sometimes struggled with is the lack of simple principles of humanity. I won’t get into that right now but at some point I know I will. For now the injustice that has occurred has sent me reeling as it has had direct impact on my little sister.

My sister Nadia attends Bridges Day Service who is represented from Melbourne City Mission. https://www.melbournecitymission.org.au/ On Friday as my older sister was scrolling through social media came across a post from a well-known Melbourne athlete informing her audience that Bridges Day Service was closing down in 3 months. Nadia has attended the program for over 15 years and as you can imagine needs copious amount of time to adjust to change and routine as well all do.

  • A letter was sent to the family earlier that week. My mum and Dad are ageing carers and English is their second language. My sister called the service on Tuesday the 4th of June asking what the meeting was in regards to. It was glossed over by the Manager and she was told to tell my parents “not to stress about it”
  • At this point MCM could have indicated that it was an important meeting to attend – the first indication that there is no moral compass or responsibility.
  • Mum and Dad didn’t attend the scheduled meeting on the 6/09/19 and therefore were not informed of the closure. (this was their choice)
  • MCM made a decision to call only some families on Friday 7/09/19 and one of the families was contacted was an influential athlete. One would imagine that once she was informed that the information would be spread far and wide.
  • I would have assumed that an organisation of this calibre would take necessary precaution to ensure that families were informed in a humane and respected approach.
  • Given the calculations of 90+ participants it would remain an obvious choice to inform families prior to it being spread like wild fire on social media.
  • Having worked in the sector for a significant amount of years what should have followed is a risk management process. Time should have been allocated from staff to ensure that family members were informed in a respectful and loyal fashion.
  • I had to call mum and let her know. I was giving her information that I had heard from another source. This on any level is not OK and this is an organisation that markets themselves with being “capable & respectful”
  • As a family we emailed the service to demand some kind of explanation. No explanations were given other than “sorry” about the way we had received the news.
  • Apparently management of the day service were only informed on Monday and Support Staff informed Wednesday. How is it this even remotely possible? Does Senior Management keep information from their staff? Where has the transparency occurred in this process?

 

I have reflected on the values of MCM and this is what they claim –

  • TOGETHER – There is nothing together about the way this situation has been dealt with. MCM chose only to tell some families placing importance on others based on their influential impact
  • COURAGEOUS – No courage has been demonstrated and if anything the complete opposite hiding behind the NDIA in the decision making process. The NDIA did not shut down the service this was a decision made solely by MCM based on their incapacity for the service to run under the new funding model.

 

  • CURIOUS - What was explored for this not to occur? Where are the facts and figures around this?

 

  •  OPEN – It was indicated that Management were informed on Monday and Support Staff were told on Wednesday, some parents, families and participants were informed Thursday. A decision such as this doesn’t occur overnight and funding decisions should be made as a collective considering it belongs to the individual not the organisation.

 

  •  ACCOUNTABLE – No words needed

 

There is so much around this issue where the integrity and values of an organisation that supports our most vulnerable is compromised. MCM may not have been able to sustain the program but giving a whole community only 3 short months to make life changing decisions is simply irresponsible and shows lack of compassion and humanity. Perhaps it is the best decision for my sister as we are now questioning whether MCM deserves to be of service to Nadia. For now there is processing that needs to occur and the best interest of our loved ones is priority but the sector and basic humanity of one’s actions needs to be explored and responsibility needs to occur.

4. Choosing to wade through the mud is often what bears the greatest gifts

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I woke up thinking about my cousin Cathy this morning. She took her own life over 4 years ago. I think of her a lot, but more so in my times of shutdown or when I am feeling somewhat disconnected to myself. Her life continues to offer me hope and inspiration. You see I don’t really believe that Cathy wanted to die (she may have) we can never know for sure. But I truly feel she just wanted the pain to stop.  What saddens me the most about her death is that in the depths of her darkness she didn’t reach out. Did she even know how? I have come to a place of forgiveness about this for myself but it is also what pushes me to create an impact about suicide prevention and awareness.

Loss of connection to self can be debilitating and for a long time I didn’t even know what that meant. Now I do and I know the difference but it doesn’t mean that I am never sad, grumpy, angry or flat. In fact this can be quite the contrary. In the last few weeks I have felt angry and defeated and haven’t necessarily been able to pinpoint it to a particular event or situation. Sure there are some instances and situations that may have triggered that emotion but I also know that it has presented to have a little dance with.

I am very blessed that the people in my life love me for who I am so I don’t have to pretend to be happy if I am not. They usually know as soon as I say hello that something is up. When I was chatting to a friend the other day who had been feeling in a similar way we also acknowledged the gifts that come from the disconnection. We are meant to experience all spectrums of life. It doesn’t mean we have to walk around being a grumpy ass hole but it is also important to be kind to the grumpy asshole that made an appearance. As much as I love unicorns and rainbows sometimes I just want to throw glitter in people’s faces that have pushed my buttons! As much as that would give me a giggle I know that is mostly about bringing it back to me. What part have I played to create this? What do I need to learn or let go of?  Acknowledging and being in those moments is often part of the process for growth.

For now I know that action is important. Sometimes it is the simplest of moments that make a difference. Yesterday I watched a young toddler take pure delight in opening a lollipop and sucking it straight into his mouth. What joy! It is the connections that we weave that create the most magic. It is the conscious conversations and level of responsibility in all that we do that ultimately makes a difference.  When we can appreciate our differences and have a common respect and loyalty for all humanity then ultimately freedom transpires.  Choosing to wade through the mud is often what bears the greatest gifts. Blessed be and so it is.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xxx

23. Oh the things that you find if you don’t stay behind – Dr Suess

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Some days are just shit, there is no rhyme or reason it just is. Sometimes it is a cascade of events that lead you to the space and you can identify what is going on for you. Our minds can be complex as we unravel our perception of what is. For me one of the most important things that life has to offer is connection. Connection to self and others is what keeps us creative and alive. Well for me it does anyway. There are times when it doesn’t all flow and this is when it is time to stop and listen. I have been in an unusual space for a little while now. What I mean by unusual it is somewhere where I haven’t been before and a space that is being created. If we always do what we have always done we always get what we always got.

We don’t really get taught about these days nor do we celebrate them. In fact we tend to shy away from them and pretend that they don’t exist. We somehow only feel accomplished on the days we feel content and connected. What about the other days? At the moment I am not in paid employment. Often we define ourselves by the work that we do and the job in which we are employed. It is the reason we get up in the morning, spend most of our days there and our lives often revolve around weekends and time off work. This is perfectly OK if this is how we choose to live our lives. There is no better or worse it just is.

I turned 44 this year. I have worked in the community sector for most of my working life and I have always loved it. My last stint in Community Services was one that served me in ways that I did not expect. It doesn’t mean that it was good or bad it was simply an experience. What it did to was allow me to question life on a realm that I haven’t been before and as far as I am concerned for the better. Along with that has come some days and moments where I have questioned where I am at, revisited my purpose and shed a shit load of emotions that obviously had been sitting there ready to be released.

In the midst of that I have had to revisit a health issue which was unexpected.  None the less I can either choose to go to a place that I have reverted to or I can go and be an uncomfortable mess for a while. So for now it is about digging that little deeper, reaching out that little bit more and unravelling the intricacies that life has to offer. Life presents and there are times where we need to be reminded of who we are and what we came here to do. To find the abundance and simplicity in what life has to offer is often the biggest treasure that we can acquire.  To live from a place of trust, purpose and meaning is what defines us. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxox

 

21. In our pain we find our greatest power. – Unknown

 

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I was listening to a podcast yesterday and came across this quote “in our pain we find our greatest power” I totally agree. It is often with pain and torment that we find and unearth a strength that we never knew existed. I know that the some of the greatest pain that I have experienced has led me to places of existence that I have magically uncovered. But first things first how do we get to from the pain to the power? Often when stuff happens we hear “everything happens for a reason” or “it is a blessing in disguise”. I don’t disagree but what I do know is that there is a process that needs to happen before we can even get there.

When life happens and inevitably it does, sometimes all someone wants to be reminded is that they have got this and that you have their back. Sometimes the most import part of the process is to just sit in it. To acknowledge and honour the time that it takes from getting to the power from the pain. For each of us it is different. We are all perfectly unique; there is no right or wrong it just depends on how long we want to live there.

Each time we visit pain it can be different. At times I retreat, spending time in my pj’s looking very glamorous and often not having had a shower. (attractive I know). Then there is the also the angry pissed off phase where I swear a lot and have no interest in finding the gifts. What is important is that we explore whatever is going on for us at the time.  We can’t go from pain to power without visiting the places that we need to. Almost like a little holiday, well that is my perception anyway.

Too often we get told “chin up” “you will be OK” or whatever happy flappy quotes someone wishes to impart. How about we just give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is that is needed at the time. Let me be clear I am not talking about a victim mentality when we wallow in our own crap. Rather the contrary. Being responsible for our vulnerability and giving ourselves permission to visit our darkness and shadow. Without the darkness there can be no light.

So how do we turn our pain into power? I don’t have the answer nor do I have a magic wand but what I do know is that being true and real about what we feel far outweighs a superficial response. Pain, discomfort, uneasiness, anxiety are often negated as being bad and feelings that we should always try to turn around. Yes we should, but what we also need to remember is that we may need to visit them for a little while, have a cup of tea, maybe a bickie and explore what they have to offer. It is often in the midst of the murkiness that pain does turn into power. Blessed be and so it is.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xxoxo

17. “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

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A few days ago we woke to the news of a 22 year old that was murdered in Melbourne. She is the almost the same age as my niece and was killed in a part of Melbourne that I know all too well. It could have been anyone. My body reeled as it felt way too close to home. As the days have progressed there has been an outstanding amount of media coverage. I have reflected about the way it has made me feel. I feel sadness for the life that has been lost through a senseless death. It is wrong that there is so much fear and anxiety around feeling safe. What is even more pertinent are some of the messages that are being delivered. I have watched and read numerous news reports and can agree with what is being communicated. Let’s make no mistake; what happened to this young woman is unfathomable.

What has left me sitting in a space of wonder is the gender divide. There have been a number of issues that have been highlighted. The media has indicated that it is the behaviour of men that needs to change. I agree. It has also been described that women should not have to change their behaviour in order to be safe. I can also resonate with this. Where I feel unsettled is that it is primarily against men and rightly so in this case. I understand that there is an epidemic of domestic violence and that women are killed at the mercy of men. But on the flip side violence doesn’t discriminate. There is so much that we don’t hear about. It has been reported that 21 fathers die by suicide each week because of women who deny them access to their children.

I don’t want this to be a debate as I don’t disagree with the correspondence of the “news”. Instead what I am suggesting is that perhaps we need to come from a different viewpoint and understand that violence on any level is not acceptable. So many lives are lost every day in all parts of the world that include innocent children, men and women. There are countless deaths that we don’t hear about, yet one death that feels that it could be any of us and we rally to create change. Creating change is the catalyst and we are all responsible for the world we live in. It is not up to anyone else but ourselves to be the change that we want to see in the world.

Men are just as prone to violence as what women are and yet it feels like we are creating a greater divide. I could be totally wrong. This is only my viewpoint and what this current situation feels like for me. We want change yet what are we doing about it? Do we practice compassion, peace and loyalty in the way we live? How can we expect to achieve a state of love and peace when we don’t even have it our own lives? What are we doing each and every day to make the world a better place, to be of service and to be compassionate and loyal to each and every human being? I know that this has been a reminder for me to know that creating change with love, compassion and peace is what we are born to do. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

 

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxox

14. The Accidental Finding of Treasure – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

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I was driving into a shopping centre yesterday; I hadn’t been there before so I was driving in a careful and possibly slower manner than what I would normally. The guy behind me ever so eloquently “beeped” and mouthed that I should hurry up. Being the quiet wallflower that I am my response although he didn’t hear was far from precious. As I heard myself cuss, I actually took myself by surprise. I attempted to do some laundry later that day and managed to somehow trip over nothing and spill pretty much a whole bottle of laundry liquid. I didn’t notice that I had knocked it at first. It was until it was seeping into my shorts that I realised what I had done and by this stage it was pretty much all over the bathroom floor. I growled a profanity and went to the beach instead. This morning I attempted and eventually succeeded to pay a Medicare bill online. Sounds rather simple I would say. The computer didn’t recognise my address; I had to download an app and almost give blood. Well not really I just thought I would continue being dramatic for a little while.

So clearly things are not in flow. Mishaps, falls and whatever else feel like a little sign, well for me it does anyway. I am pretty conscious of my own behaviours, thoughts and feelings. I believe that things happen for us and not to us. I could go on about the driver that reared his profanities or I could use it as an opportunity that allowed me to stop and take an account of what was and is going on for me. By the way I haven’t got it figured out. What I do know are the simple facts of where life has flowed in the last couple of days. To add insult to injury I also got two parking fines this week.

So I could make this blog about all the “stuff” that has happened and what a crappy last couple of days it has been or I can choose to focus on the relevance of what life brings. As “shitty” as it feels to receive a parking fine and sit in a pile of laundry liquid, I am able to sit back and reconnect to what is real and what is my perception. What is real is the love and gratitude that lives and all the beauty that my life is surrounded with.

So where frustration lies is always seeking an opportunity for growth and connection. As humans I feel that it is important and necessary to experience all the feelings that arise within us. No point in shoving them for they just appear in different ways. For me right now I am grateful for all the crappy or not so crappy stuff that happened this week. It is an awesome time to process, reflect and throw more love out into the world. For sometimes it is only when we disconnect from life that we are able to reconnect from a deeper place of passion and purpose. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xxxo

13. “Connect to the whispers of your soul for this is where the magic transpires” Sonia Muraca

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I am not even sure what it is that I am going to write about today but what I do know is that I need to write. It is Sunday morning and the last few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind. I have started a new job, moved in to a new home and getting used to the changes that life brings. I was speaking to a friend yesterday and she asked how I coped with change. For me change is something that needs to happen in order for growth to occur. I really don’t know any other way and for the last 12 or so months change has been constant.  Living so close to the ocean has lent itself to the ebbs, flows and sometimes waves that change brings. With this I have been in touch with what is going on for me eternally.

I know that when I feel the need to write it is also a time and space where I need to connect to self. I have found myself being “busy” in the last few weeks, such is life and that is perfectly OK. It is important to acknowledge that our inner selves and soul deserve time to truly nurture and listen to the whispers of connecting back to self. For me it is truly about being present and being able to give from a place of a full heart.

Yesterday morning I left home bright and early to go to exercise. I was a little grumpy and would have much preferred to stay in bed. The mornings are starting to be fresh and I just wanted to snuggle under the doona.  My conscious got the better of me and I got up. As I left home the magnificence of the sun was rising. The array of glistening oranges and yellows beamed from the sky. I was instantly in the moment of the magic and was in awe of how glorious Mother Nature and life truly is. It was at that point that I realised how much I had been rushing around, that my body was tired and weary and that I hadn’t being fully present.

I have learnt too much in life to know that berating oneself does nothing but create more “stuff”. Not sure about you but I’m not really interested in self-sabotage. I much prefer to notice the lesson, process what needs to happen and continue to be in flow. So whilst I had no idea what was going to transpire prior to me writing all I knew was that I needed to write. It is my soul’s way of whispering to stay present, be still, and listen to the calls of what is truly needed. For when we don’t connect to ourselves we cannot possibly connect to anything else. Life is truly precious and it is in the simplest of what life offers that often bring us the most magic. It is the laughter of children and the rising of the sun. From the sweetest of cuddles, the welcoming smiles and the connection to self and others that surmounts to the true meaning of what life has to offer. Connect to the whispers of your soul for this is where the magic transpires. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

 

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxo