5. When your pain becomes your purpose.

 

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To be able to communicate what has transpired in the last two years in a blog would be impossible. The lessons have been huge and the healing has not been linear. It hasn’t been fun and there has certainly been times where I have found earth a really a hard place to be. What I do know is feeling disconnected from self would have to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It is scary, numbing, it feels like turmoil, it is difficult to understand and you no longer feel like you belong to the world which you once knew.

A few years ago I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. My world around me was literally breaking down, myself included.  My first hospital admission was at the age of 26 and I took pride in being medication free and well for 15 years. So when I found myself there AGAIN almost 20 years to the day I was like what the actual F*&K. How did I allow myself to get to the point of break down?

I was working as a Disability Advocate at the time and I was supporting people with mental health issues and here I was experiencing my own. Little did I realise at the time what would transpire would be an avalanche of wisdom and remembrance. Trust me it certainly didn’t feel like whilst I was in it. When I would hear people tell me that “everything happens for a reason” I honestly felt like telling them to F*&k right off. Spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity can be so detrimental to growth and my belief is that it is a huge disservice. If we don’t understand how we actually got to the space that we are in, then we can’t unravel what is.

Mental Health and its treatment from my own personal and professional experience is that is quickly labeled and medication is given to alleviate the symptoms. Sure medication has its place and it is sometimes required. I however don’t believe it is the only answer. The breakdown that I experienced ended with me being admitted to a psychiatric ward and medication was necessary. Thankfully for me, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew how to navigate the system and where to get support. My experience of medication this time around was something that I was adamant about having control over. For me it made me feel even worse than I already did. After 6 months with support I invested time and energy to alternatives.

However what wasn’t addressed was the massive disconnect that I had felt to self and others. How I had gotten to this point of what I felt like was no return.  I felt like I was in the darkest of tunnels. It was the light of others and a shit load of inner work that allowed my own spark to be ignited again. What has transpired in the last few years was a complete unveiling of everything that I had known. This process is where the magic truly happens, where you are invited to invest in your own tools and wisdom to the remembrance of who you truly are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

3. The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything. Albert Einstein

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I am assisting someone with an appointment this week. I made contact with the medical practice to follow up the location and appointment time. I was informed that because of my medical status that I was unable to enter the practice and that I would need to wait outside. I informed the staff member that mandates had been revoked and the response was that it was policy. I questioned the ethics of the decision and confirmed that a medical practice was denying an individual access based on their medical choices. The response – “I just follow the rules”.

Quite frankly “I just follow the rules” simply doesn’t cut it anymore. Whilst we are all simply following the rules, the world in which we now live in is one that I no longer recognise. We want to follow rules that are unethical, do not follow a code of conduct and go against the fundamental principles of humanity. Sadly this is not the first time that I have heard this line being thrown around. We claim to care for people and their wellbeing and want to be recognised for being a good human for “following the rules” yet we are happy to turn a blind eye to the mistreatment.

Rather what needs to be recognised is that doctors are bound by APRHA Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency. Some of the these directives include;

  • Doctors have a responsibility to protect and promote the health of individuals and the community.
  • Patients trust their doctors because they believe that, as well as being competent, their doctor will not take advantage of them and will display qualities such as integrity, truthfulness, dependability and compassion. [1]

These are only to name a few, yet we don’t seem to question the status quo of our own moral compass and simply do as we have been told especially so in the last two years. Many of us are not in agreeance with the way policies have been navigated yet we continue to comply without any conscious thought of our own behaviour.

I don’t have any solid answers to what we are experiencing in the world right now nor do I claim to know how to change it. What I do know is that the more that we are able to understand ourselves and who we are the more that we are able to live the way in which life was intended. For some this level of acceptance may be justified. For others perhaps it is an opportunity to look deeper within.

When we examine and evaluate our values that we are aligned with yet do not live them in our daily work and practice, I wonder if this is living or simply existing? As Albert Einstein quotes “The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything” To some extent each time we simply “follow the rules” that are not in our alignment or values we must ask ourselves, is this the world that we are choosing?

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

 

[1] https://www.medicalboard.gov.au/Codes-Guidelines-Policies/Code-of-conduct.aspx

9. Be the change you wish to see in the world – GHANDI

Justice

I haven’t written for a while. Too long for my liking! I do know that it is the one thing that gets me out of my head and back into my true heart space and creativity. Why I haven’t written is simply because I haven’t felt like it, haven’t felt inspired nor have I felt particularly connected. The last 12 months have been one emotional roller coaster ride after another and not the fun type either. I have wanted to blog about injustice for quite some time now but I simply haven’t. Am I still afraid to speak my truth?

Last week enough was enough and I finally heard the call of the universe to simply stop my inaction and do what I was born to do and I know that is to write. I just had the perfect confirmation as my sis called and let me know a friend of hers had been reading my blogs and that she was finding comfort in them. Not only do I love writing because it makes me feel at home, but when and if another person resonates with I am writing this is purpose.

So last week was a particularly full on week for me. The reason I am motivated to write again is that I feel so much more noise needs to be made when it comes to the community sector, family court matters and advocacy for our most vulnerable. Whilst I don’t have all the immediate answers, what I do know is that it needs to be heard. Turning our pain into purpose is what we can do. We were not born to suffer and something that I needed to remind myself of.

I have always worked in the Community Sector. It is what I have always known and loved. In the last 12 months I have held 2 positions for two different organisations both connected to the sector. I don’t want this to be about who did what rather the injustices that continues to prevail for a sector that is meant to care about humanity. Where values are usually compounded by integrity, compassion and the list goes on. What I am failing to see time and time again is far from the branded and polished marketing strategies. Can I sit here and whinge about it? Absolutely and I have. What I would prefer to do is actually be heard and create change.

This week my safety was compromised. Was it that staff did not have enough time? Did the KPI just need to be met? All I got was an apology and that in fact this individual does have blackouts and cannot recall aggressive and threatening behavior. Not the kind of excuse you want to hear when one is trying to get out of a car whilst travelling on a very busy road. This isn’t about what happened to me instead it is what happened for me and to know that there is a bigger purpose for all of us. If we always do what we have always done we will always get what we have always got. For when we are at a crossroads it is often where the magic truly happens. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxxo

5. Truth never damages a cause that is just – MAHATMA GHANDI

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I have pondered about writing something around this issue and it is now the 2nd morning that I have awoken with anger and frustration. So instead of letting it seep out elsewhere I have decided to write about in the hope that truth and justice does prevail. I have worked in the community sector for over 15 years and for the most part loved the essence of what I do. However what I have sometimes struggled with is the lack of simple principles of humanity. I won’t get into that right now but at some point I know I will. For now the injustice that has occurred has sent me reeling as it has had direct impact on my little sister.

My sister Nadia attends Bridges Day Service who is represented from Melbourne City Mission. https://www.melbournecitymission.org.au/ On Friday as my older sister was scrolling through social media came across a post from a well-known Melbourne athlete informing her audience that Bridges Day Service was closing down in 3 months. Nadia has attended the program for over 15 years and as you can imagine needs copious amount of time to adjust to change and routine as well all do.

  • A letter was sent to the family earlier that week. My mum and Dad are ageing carers and English is their second language. My sister called the service on Tuesday the 4th of June asking what the meeting was in regards to. It was glossed over by the Manager and she was told to tell my parents “not to stress about it”
  • At this point MCM could have indicated that it was an important meeting to attend – the first indication that there is no moral compass or responsibility.
  • Mum and Dad didn’t attend the scheduled meeting on the 6/09/19 and therefore were not informed of the closure. (this was their choice)
  • MCM made a decision to call only some families on Friday 7/09/19 and one of the families was contacted was an influential athlete. One would imagine that once she was informed that the information would be spread far and wide.
  • I would have assumed that an organisation of this calibre would take necessary precaution to ensure that families were informed in a humane and respected approach.
  • Given the calculations of 90+ participants it would remain an obvious choice to inform families prior to it being spread like wild fire on social media.
  • Having worked in the sector for a significant amount of years what should have followed is a risk management process. Time should have been allocated from staff to ensure that family members were informed in a respectful and loyal fashion.
  • I had to call mum and let her know. I was giving her information that I had heard from another source. This on any level is not OK and this is an organisation that markets themselves with being “capable & respectful”
  • As a family we emailed the service to demand some kind of explanation. No explanations were given other than “sorry” about the way we had received the news.
  • Apparently management of the day service were only informed on Monday and Support Staff informed Wednesday. How is it this even remotely possible? Does Senior Management keep information from their staff? Where has the transparency occurred in this process?

 

I have reflected on the values of MCM and this is what they claim –

  • TOGETHER – There is nothing together about the way this situation has been dealt with. MCM chose only to tell some families placing importance on others based on their influential impact
  • COURAGEOUS – No courage has been demonstrated and if anything the complete opposite hiding behind the NDIA in the decision making process. The NDIA did not shut down the service this was a decision made solely by MCM based on their incapacity for the service to run under the new funding model.

 

  • CURIOUS - What was explored for this not to occur? Where are the facts and figures around this?

 

  •  OPEN – It was indicated that Management were informed on Monday and Support Staff were told on Wednesday, some parents, families and participants were informed Thursday. A decision such as this doesn’t occur overnight and funding decisions should be made as a collective considering it belongs to the individual not the organisation.

 

  •  ACCOUNTABLE – No words needed

 

There is so much around this issue where the integrity and values of an organisation that supports our most vulnerable is compromised. MCM may not have been able to sustain the program but giving a whole community only 3 short months to make life changing decisions is simply irresponsible and shows lack of compassion and humanity. Perhaps it is the best decision for my sister as we are now questioning whether MCM deserves to be of service to Nadia. For now there is processing that needs to occur and the best interest of our loved ones is priority but the sector and basic humanity of one’s actions needs to be explored and responsibility needs to occur.

23. Oh the things that you find if you don’t stay behind – Dr Suess

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Some days are just shit, there is no rhyme or reason it just is. Sometimes it is a cascade of events that lead you to the space and you can identify what is going on for you. Our minds can be complex as we unravel our perception of what is. For me one of the most important things that life has to offer is connection. Connection to self and others is what keeps us creative and alive. Well for me it does anyway. There are times when it doesn’t all flow and this is when it is time to stop and listen. I have been in an unusual space for a little while now. What I mean by unusual it is somewhere where I haven’t been before and a space that is being created. If we always do what we have always done we always get what we always got.

We don’t really get taught about these days nor do we celebrate them. In fact we tend to shy away from them and pretend that they don’t exist. We somehow only feel accomplished on the days we feel content and connected. What about the other days? At the moment I am not in paid employment. Often we define ourselves by the work that we do and the job in which we are employed. It is the reason we get up in the morning, spend most of our days there and our lives often revolve around weekends and time off work. This is perfectly OK if this is how we choose to live our lives. There is no better or worse it just is.

I turned 44 this year. I have worked in the community sector for most of my working life and I have always loved it. My last stint in Community Services was one that served me in ways that I did not expect. It doesn’t mean that it was good or bad it was simply an experience. What it did to was allow me to question life on a realm that I haven’t been before and as far as I am concerned for the better. Along with that has come some days and moments where I have questioned where I am at, revisited my purpose and shed a shit load of emotions that obviously had been sitting there ready to be released.

In the midst of that I have had to revisit a health issue which was unexpected.  None the less I can either choose to go to a place that I have reverted to or I can go and be an uncomfortable mess for a while. So for now it is about digging that little deeper, reaching out that little bit more and unravelling the intricacies that life has to offer. Life presents and there are times where we need to be reminded of who we are and what we came here to do. To find the abundance and simplicity in what life has to offer is often the biggest treasure that we can acquire.  To live from a place of trust, purpose and meaning is what defines us. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxox

 

“If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit” – Bankay

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I was watching the Bachelorette the other night. Yes I know it is a highly intelligent and stimulating show. One of the guys on the show stated “I just want to be happy”. I was intrigued by what he had said and thought, does this mean you are not happy? Does it mean you are only happy once you are in a relationship?  How do you know what happy means and how is happiness defined?  If we don’t experience the extremity of sadness how do we know what happy feels like?

Today was my Nonna’s birthday. She passed over 6 years ago. I sat on the beach for a few hours today and remembered all of the beautiful lessons that I learnt from her. I felt her resilience, strength and courage in all that she endured. She had a tough life. My Nonno completed suicide and she was left to raise 9 children on her own. Her smile and laughter was far and few between. I felt happy in my sadness of missing her and wishing that I could hear her just one more time.  As I sat on the rocks and closed my eyes I could feel the whispers of her wings close by. I felt sad that she is no longer here but happy that there was so much to remember and smile about.  Can we be happy in our sadness? Why is it that we feel so uncomfortable with feelings that don’t elate us? I know for me that so much growth happens from pain. It is where I have the opportunity to dig deep and learn more about why I am here in this one precious life.

So when I came across this quote today I reflected it back to happiness and what that meant for me.  I don’t think we are always meant to be happy and why do we perceive sadness as negative? Maybe those times are just “rest” times in our lives. For me happiness is about being content in where I am no matter what is presented. It certainly doesn’t mean that I always have my shit together in fact far from it. It is not about one person being better or superior than another. We are all in different stages of our lives; this is what makes us imperfectly perfect. There is a process to healing and we all learn when we are meant to. I am not sure that we ever work it all out. I do feel that is a work in progress and personal responsibility for where we are at is the freedom of happiness.

I don’t want to wait for another human being to make me happy and quite frankly it is not fair to have that expectation of another. It doesn’t mean that others don’t bring happiness to our lives; in fact the core of connection is pivotal. What it does mean is not having an expectation that another person or situation can give us something that we cannot give ourselves. If we can’t find a sense of happiness within then we can’t expect it from another. The best relationship that we are ever going to have is the one we have with ourselves.  If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit. Blessed be. So it is.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

 

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxoxo

2. Blame is a neat little device that you can use whenever you don’t want to take responsibility for something in your life. It is the refuge of the externally oriented person.

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Today I am writing from the calendar Every day Wisdom by Dr. Wayne D Dyer. I still am so saddened by his passing, especially because he was on my bucket list to meet. I could certainly blame him for dying or I could actually work on my  bucket list rather than it being just a list in my home. The theme of personal responsibility has come up a lot for me especially in the first few weeks of the New Year. It is like the universe tried to cram as many life lessons as they could in the first few weeks juts to make sure that I got the message.  I am hearing it loud and clear! So as I flicked the calendar to the date for today I felt compelled to write about this very issue that has been gnawing at me for weeks.

I have been dealt some really shitty behaviour in the last couple of weeks. It has been a crescendo of events that have eventually come to a head and the lesson is rewarding. However the action of another is simply disloyal and disrespectful. I am learning and as I like to see it a work in progress. I truly believe that we always continue to evolve and learn. I could certainly sit here and write 500 words about the actions of another person and their shitty behaviour and it may possibly make an interesting read. Instead I am learning the lesson and truly moving on. What is different this time for me is that I am learning about compassion for myself.

What I do know is that this behaviour that has been presented to me has happened for some time. Whether it has been from a partner, relative, friend, boss or colleague, I have allowed it to occur time and time again. I have felt compassion for the other person and understood that I have attracted that behaviour for a reason. I have also felt compelled to understand that the behaviour is not personal rather an indication of their own self-worth.  I could go on and on but you know what I am boring myself with the story. I am done!  Fuck off with your “need” to manipulate to make yourself feel better. My boundaries of self-worth and compassion far outweigh your insecurities and it is game over.

For me this has been a reoccurring pattern. It has been ever so subtle that at times I hardly recognised what was happening. Until it smacked me in the face and I was left with “are you kidding me?” My biggest lesson is that I have allowed this to happen for such a long time that I would rather send love and compassion for another being than deal with my own stuff of self-worth and compassion. Whilst I can still be loving and compassionate I no longer will allow my precious source of energy to be consumed by such distaste of behaviour. Energetically I have removed myself and funnily enough when I was saw the individual in question not even a salutation was exchanged on their part. I often ask the universe for those that are in their highest integrity to share my path so I know that they heard my prayer. I don’t blame the other person rather I can now thank them with love and compassion for the lesson I have been shown but the difference is I have now disconnected from them. Their healing is their own personal responsibility, not mine. Our paths may still continue to emerge for one reason or another but my own boundary of compassion of love for self is about standing in my own power of truth and integrity. I take back my power. Blessed be and so it is. So it is done. Namaste.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoxoxoxo

77. As I forgive myself, it becomes easier to forgive others.

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Forgiveness is such an act of freedom. Too often we perceive forgiveness as a sign of weakness especially when somebody has caused us an injustice of some kind.  When I write about my blog for today there are a few things that come up for me. One of them is the men that have played such significant parts in my life.  What I have discovered is that just because you are “over” a situation it doesn’t mean that you don’t still have things that you may or may not need to learn from. I am not one to get into nitty gritty details about my life and talk about what others may or may not have done. It is not my style. What I do know is that some of the actions that have been displayed by men in my life have been shitty and not very nice. Yes I take personal responsibility for this because I allowed it to continue. F*&K I spent almost 20 years of crappy relationships but I did not know any better or different. Now I do and I can practise forgiveness.

So when I was confronted by a man recently with behaviour that was untoward, I wanted to tell him what a total tosser he was. I was really pissed at the universe because I just couldn’t understand why this was being presented to me. What did I have to learn? To top it all I also learnt that a friend lied about a situation. By this stage of the week I wanted to tell the world where to go. In the midst of it all, there were bit fat egos circling my days.  I was attempting to be at peace with where I was at but I am sure if you listened closely you would have heard profanities mutterings coming from my area.

So what this is teaching me is that there is so many times in my life where people have treated in ways that I have not liked or deserved. The violin strings could come out right about now but instead I can reflect and acknowledge the times that I have not treated myself with dignity and respect. The amount of times that I allowed situations to occur again and again and now it was being presented to me in full force.

What is different this time is I am not the same person I may have been all that time ago. This time I have self-worth and respect but what I am able to acknowledge is the pain and hurt that was caused. There is nothing cool about emotional abuse, betrayal and coming from ego to make it better for the other person.  When we sustain these kinds of relationships in our lives it is because our worthiness does not exist and the only way we know is to self-destruct.

The lessons of love are ones that are stemmed from forgiveness. Ultimately if we cannot forgive ourselves for our perception of where we have not lived our truth or have been authentic then we are in the mode of self-destruct. This energy and vibration put us in a place of ego and we do not feel and live the true essence of who we are. To the energy vampires that ultimately lead me to a place of trust, compassion and forgiveness, THANK YOU but for the sake of humanity take personal responsibility and deal with your crap! To my inner self I forgive you for not having enough respect and self-love to honour the scared path that I am walking at this time. I know that if I do not forgive then I can never really fully love.  As I forgive myself, it becomes easier to forgive others. Blessed be and so it is. So it is done. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoxoxox

27. I take care of my body, my home, my workplace and all other areas of my life. I alone am responsible for myself.

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Life presents us with many challenges.  Some of the challenges are fun and some are ones that change us forever and our lives are never quite the same. It is ridiculously easy to blame other people and situations for “stuff” that happens. Instead of blaming, personal responsibility is the main factor in our lives. Sure we are presented with crap and in those times people situations and events can be more than overwhelming. We can choose to sit in victim mode and not do anything about it or we can create the change that we want to be in the world.

I live in Melbourne and lately there have been some not so nice events that have happened. There have been numerous attacks on vulnerable people and in some situations death. It doesn’t feel nice at all and as a normal reaction people have been going into blame mode. Blame of our justice system and simply blame for whatever. I am not by any means justifying what has been happening or nor do I think that it is OK. What I do know is that being compassionate and of service each and every other day is a way that I now choose to live my life. To make a difference, to create change and to live a life where I do believe and know that peace and harmony exists. If I keep putting out there how “fkt up” the world is all that I will attract is more of the same. Instead what I do is pray that people heal, I send love and I live with a compassionate heart and live with faith that more of the same will not happen.

So many of us go into meltdown, blame or anger when a crisis or tragedy hits home and it is a relatively normal reaction. What is important is that we do not live there. For the innocent 17 year old that was murdered in broad daylight a few kilometres from her home the injustice is heart wrenching. I have read and continue to read the hate towards the attacker and anger towards the justice system.  Peace and harmony begin with us. Are you always kind and loving? Do you treat complete strangers with kindness and respect? Are you of service to humanity? Do you come from a place of love and compassion in all your interactions? Are you authentic and do you live your life with integrity? Do as you feel with the answers. I am not claiming to be perfect; in fact I am happy to own that I am imperfectly perfect. What I do know is that it does not feel right to have an outlet to blame or to throw more of the same into the mix. I make a conscious decision every day to take personal responsibility about what happens in my life and what I attract. Sometimes the lessons are fkn hard and painful but at the very least I own them. So before hurling abuse towards another take a step back and ask yourself to be the change that you want to see in the world. I take care of my body, my home, my workplace and all other areas of my life. I alone am responsible for myself. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo