5. When your pain becomes your purpose.

 

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To be able to communicate what has transpired in the last two years in a blog would be impossible. The lessons have been huge and the healing has not been linear. It hasn’t been fun and there has certainly been times where I have found earth a really a hard place to be. What I do know is feeling disconnected from self would have to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It is scary, numbing, it feels like turmoil, it is difficult to understand and you no longer feel like you belong to the world which you once knew.

A few years ago I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. My world around me was literally breaking down, myself included.  My first hospital admission was at the age of 26 and I took pride in being medication free and well for 15 years. So when I found myself there AGAIN almost 20 years to the day I was like what the actual F*&K. How did I allow myself to get to the point of break down?

I was working as a Disability Advocate at the time and I was supporting people with mental health issues and here I was experiencing my own. Little did I realise at the time what would transpire would be an avalanche of wisdom and remembrance. Trust me it certainly didn’t feel like whilst I was in it. When I would hear people tell me that “everything happens for a reason” I honestly felt like telling them to F*&k right off. Spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity can be so detrimental to growth and my belief is that it is a huge disservice. If we don’t understand how we actually got to the space that we are in, then we can’t unravel what is.

Mental Health and its treatment from my own personal and professional experience is that is quickly labeled and medication is given to alleviate the symptoms. Sure medication has its place and it is sometimes required. I however don’t believe it is the only answer. The breakdown that I experienced ended with me being admitted to a psychiatric ward and medication was necessary. Thankfully for me, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew how to navigate the system and where to get support. My experience of medication this time around was something that I was adamant about having control over. For me it made me feel even worse than I already did. After 6 months with support I invested time and energy to alternatives.

However what wasn’t addressed was the massive disconnect that I had felt to self and others. How I had gotten to this point of what I felt like was no return.  I felt like I was in the darkest of tunnels. It was the light of others and a shit load of inner work that allowed my own spark to be ignited again. What has transpired in the last few years was a complete unveiling of everything that I had known. This process is where the magic truly happens, where you are invited to invest in your own tools and wisdom to the remembrance of who you truly are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

23. Oh the things that you find if you don’t stay behind – Dr Suess

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Some days are just shit, there is no rhyme or reason it just is. Sometimes it is a cascade of events that lead you to the space and you can identify what is going on for you. Our minds can be complex as we unravel our perception of what is. For me one of the most important things that life has to offer is connection. Connection to self and others is what keeps us creative and alive. Well for me it does anyway. There are times when it doesn’t all flow and this is when it is time to stop and listen. I have been in an unusual space for a little while now. What I mean by unusual it is somewhere where I haven’t been before and a space that is being created. If we always do what we have always done we always get what we always got.

We don’t really get taught about these days nor do we celebrate them. In fact we tend to shy away from them and pretend that they don’t exist. We somehow only feel accomplished on the days we feel content and connected. What about the other days? At the moment I am not in paid employment. Often we define ourselves by the work that we do and the job in which we are employed. It is the reason we get up in the morning, spend most of our days there and our lives often revolve around weekends and time off work. This is perfectly OK if this is how we choose to live our lives. There is no better or worse it just is.

I turned 44 this year. I have worked in the community sector for most of my working life and I have always loved it. My last stint in Community Services was one that served me in ways that I did not expect. It doesn’t mean that it was good or bad it was simply an experience. What it did to was allow me to question life on a realm that I haven’t been before and as far as I am concerned for the better. Along with that has come some days and moments where I have questioned where I am at, revisited my purpose and shed a shit load of emotions that obviously had been sitting there ready to be released.

In the midst of that I have had to revisit a health issue which was unexpected.  None the less I can either choose to go to a place that I have reverted to or I can go and be an uncomfortable mess for a while. So for now it is about digging that little deeper, reaching out that little bit more and unravelling the intricacies that life has to offer. Life presents and there are times where we need to be reminded of who we are and what we came here to do. To find the abundance and simplicity in what life has to offer is often the biggest treasure that we can acquire.  To live from a place of trust, purpose and meaning is what defines us. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxox

 

15. “mise en place”

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This word “mise en place” was mentioned to me a week or so ago and I loved the sound of it. I love words so I was intrigued to know what it meant. It is generally used in professional kitchens and signifies that everything is in its place before service. The word resonated and according to wikepedia it states that “it is a French culinary phrase which means “putting inplace” or “everything in its place” I like the feel of the word and for now it also has a vibration that I want to write about. What does it look and feel like for everything to be in its place? I can appreciate that the true meaning of the word quite possibly connects better to a professional kitchen but for the sake of my blog today I am going to write about what it feels like for me.

For the last 6 or so weeks life has changed and that is OK, except with that comes a somewhat uproar of emotions at any given time. They don’t have to be good or bad they simply just need to be. What I do know is that there is a lot of new in ways in which I have not experienced before. To be perfectly honest it has thrown me a bit off balance but in a way that is allowing me to grow. I have found myself with an unsettlement in the pit of my tummy. It is nerves, excitement, and or fear? I am not sure really but whatever it is I have to know and trust that everything is in its place. If I start to identify it as being right or wrong then there is judgement and no room for growth.

When we truly feel what is going on for us then we allow love and not fear to be behind the intent of all that we do. When there is that feeling in the pit of our stomach it is sometimes easy to ignore. We can shove it down or we can explore and see what happens with it. For me there are waves of emotions that can come up at any given time. I am a sensitive being. Fortunately or not when something is going on for me I can at times be consumed by the thoughts that flurry around in my head. Not a happy or conducive place for anyone to be in. It is not to be judged rather recognised as what is being triggered and a time to heal, grow and create. If we can trust that everything is in its place then life tends to flow with grace and ease. The feeling of being stuck dissipates and we can fully surrender. For me a whole lot of overwhelm has filled my body of late and perhaps it is rightly so. The thing with that is that I can allow it to consume me or I can simply know that everything is in its place. When life is in place it doesn’t have to be a bunch of roses it can simply just be. For when we find the magic and gratitude of simplicity and connecting back to self it is then we can truly feel that everything is its place within our own hearts and soul. Blessed be and so it is.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

 

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxoxo

2. Shame stops you from stepping up.

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Last week I attended Aboriginal Cultural Awareness Training. It was inspiring, educational and tinged with sadness and shame. One of the trainers spoke about how “shame stops us from stepping up” I loved what this meant. This was not only in the context of the training but also the meaning this represented in life. My mind dives into all kinds of things where we may carry shame. I know for me personally there was so much shame connected to mental illness, failed relationships and all kinds of “stuff”. Trust me carrying the shame serves absolutely no purpose, so I loved when I heard that “it” stops you from stepping up.

We are ashamed for a number of reasons and all of our stories are different and unique. Shame is judgement which separates. Generally the shame and judgment is the one that we tend to place on ourselves. Seems ridiculous that we would do this, yet we tend do. Sure there are others that may make us feel ashamed. This can be for a number of different reasons for a multitude of motives. One of my ex partners would tell me that I was “damaged goods”, charming I know. Had I have known what I know now I quite possibly may have damaged his “goods” (Just jokes). The shame connected to this comment encompassed many facets. This is just a small snippet of a story but the shame stopped me from stepping up and stepping out of the toxic relationship.

I’m not about to get into the he said, she said story, rather what happens when shame exists. It is an emotion that is futile and keeps us stuck. So why did I allow this to happen? There was a part of me that did believe I was “damaged goods”.  I had already been married and felt that I had “failed” so there was shame associated. Culturally I had come from a place where “divorce” wasn’t something that just happened. So again I placed more shame upon myself. I somewhat accepted the comment of “damaged goods” because I somehow believed I was. This was not only because of my past but especially the label of mental illness that I had been carrying and the indoctrinated beliefs around these areas. My god what I story I had embellished myself in! The truth is no other person can make you feel that way unless there is a part of you that carries that emotion.

My self-worth at the point in my life was not something that I recognised. It was more comfortable to sit in shame than to actually acknowledge it. So instead these days I am able to shift the shame around. I am able to forgive myself for allowing myself to be treated less than what I deserved. I can take responsibility that in some way I created that situation. Shame is what we believe and perceive. It is an opportunity to grow and learn from our experiences rather than dwelling in what is no longer. The lessons of integrity, strength and courage far outweigh the heaviness and detriment of shames. Unveiling what truly matters is where the magic unfolds.

With a magic of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

 

HUGE LOVE

 

Sonia

xoxoxoxo

74. I honour my inner child by remembering to play and have fun. I remind myself not to take things so seriously.

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Our lives can be so serious and we get caught up in “our” first world problems.  There are times when I catch myself going into my head of being so god dam serious about life, schedules, routines, responsibilities, it make me feel like I can’t breathe and I begin to feel stale! It is all about the balance and perception of what is real and what is not. I started a full time job a few weeks ago. It was a job that I had been manifesting especially in the area of mental health. I prayed for it and it appeared! Two weeks later and the reality of working full time is really beginning to sink in.  To be perfectly honest it scares the crap out of me! I haven’t worked full time for many years! Now I have a choice right here and right now. I can choose to feel like it is a burden or I can feel it in my heart that it simply what I do now and how I serve here on earth. Most importantly it is about taking the time to play and not taking life so seriously.

I caught up with a friend earlier today and we spoke about the last few weeks and what has been going on for me. It feels like an adjustment that I am now attuning to. The importance on how I view the situation is simply how it will manifest. Our world is simply a reflection on where we are at. If I keep affirming that it is tiring and draining, then tired and drained will simply be my mirror. So right now I am super grateful for my friend who allowed me to stop and notice what was going on for me and to put my path back into perspective.

So for me right now it is all about the balance. One of my favourite things to do is to have a coffee at my local café. I love to watch the world around me and write. This morning I noticed a toddler who was about two years old. She had gumboots on and the brightest pink tutu. She skipped outside and her freedom was inspirational. Yes there is definitely a part of me that wants to wear a bright pink tutu and jump in puddles with gumboots on! What I have now realised is to feel the freedom of honouring my inner child and the HUGE reminder not to take life so seriously.

I have landed a position with a bunch of fun down to earth people in an area that I am truly passionate about. Yes there are times where I may be tired but the more I allow this to be my focus the more it will pull me down. It is easy to focus on “first world” stuff because we get in our heads and we forget to feel. I am certainly not regretful of my lessons and hardships that I feel. If they didn’t appear there would be no growth. So for now even though I don’t have a pink tutu, I can pretend I do and play amongst the fairies. I honour my inner child by remembering to play and have fun. I remind myself not to take things so seriously. Blessed be and so it is. So it is done. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE love

Sonia

xoxox

26. I am always safe no matter which “doorway” I pass through.

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The affirmation that I am writing about today is actually the affirmation for Tuesday March the 17th.  As I began to write the calendar flicked to the affirmation for yesterday. I took it as a sign that this was the one that I was meant to write about today. It seems fitting as I sit here the day after the funeral of my cousin. I haven’t been able to write about since her death just over 10 days ago. She took her own life and what I can pray for is not only for her but for all of us is that we are all now safe as we are going through this next chapter, journey and doorway in our lives.

My cousin was 45 years young and a lot of her life was spent dealing with her issues of depression and a myriad of mental health issues. It doesn’t make it better or easier but what it does do is slap you in the face to know how harsh and real depression and suicide is. It has shaken our world in a way that we could not have ever imagined and life won’t go back to normal. Our experiences in life change us and quite frankly I don’t want to be dormant about the issues about mental health anymore. This doorway that I now pass through is one where life experience has changed and my world feels different.

It is about time that we all started to look after each other that little bit more, to extend our kindness and to come from a place of compassion for each and every person that we meet.  I try not to think about the things that I could, should or would have done for her. The decision was for her to make. For me right now there is some comfort knowing it was the one decision that she made for herself where she felt she had control. Many years ago I remember reading that people who commit suicide don’t want to die, they simply don’t see any other way out. I find some comfort in knowing that she has found her own inner sanctuary and is being loved and cared for by the 1000 angels that surround and heal her now.

For me my own journey of depression and mental illness is something that is I have been able to find so much strength and wisdom from. My wish is that each person that has lived with any type of mental illness is able to find their own gift that dwells within. To be able to find our own doorway to safety, no matter what happens in life. Without our darkness there is no light so in those moments it is where our gifts are unveiled. Sometimes we can’t do this for ourselves and for my dear departed cousin the feeling is so raw and intense that my heart feel irreparable right now. Perhaps a bit of it will always be a little broken because that was the way it was meant to be. Right now there are so many feeling and emotions happening that life the way it used to is no longer and that is OK as well. Life’s events define who we are and whether they are good bad or different they lead us to doorways of safety and growth. We are reminded to live life with compassion and kindness for all of humanity and that the spirit of community is one that should all be united to.  I am always safe no matter which “doorway” I pass through. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo

19. I release all things that no longer benefit me: objects, ideas, habits or relationships.

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It is full on to sit here and know that the first month of 2015 has already passed us by and that the 5th day of February has already arrived. This year I decided not to write every day rather when I felt that it was right for me to do. What is far more important for is to live a life coming from my heart space and coming from a place of compassion. For me it was also about releasing an expectation about something that I felt that I had to do every day. The affirmation for today has come at the perfect time as the universe truly works and weaves its magic each and every time.

The message at the beginning of February from the I Can Do It 2015 Louise Hay Calendar states “I have discovered that I am becoming more confident in my daily choices. I know that Life supports me, and I step forward feeling safe and protected”  This particular statement coincides beautifully with the affirmation for the day because the more I release what no longer serves the more confident I become with the choices that I make. Life is pretty simply but as human beings we tend to complicate with a whole heap of stuff. We like to critique and over analyse what is going on in our lives, only to leave us drained, feeling stressed and overwhelmed. It serves no purpose if we are creating drama and angst.

The last few years I certainly feel like my life has changed in ways that I am eternally grateful. The most important aspect of discovery is being of service and stepping up and stepping into my authentic self. Being my authentic self and acknowledging all parts of me not just the parts that look and feel good. I have also realised that eating humble pie does not always taste great but far out it is liberating. Taking personal responsibility and understanding that all that has been created is simply a reflection of me allows me to be more confident in what I do. In doing so I am totally safe and protected in all that I do and I know and feel this each and every day. That doesn’t mean that I am a bag of roses and that I am happy clappy 24/7. I still get annoyed and I get crabby but what I don’t do is blame. Sure somebody or something may have triggered a response but if the feeling didn’t dwell in me there would be no reaction.

So when I am confronted with a situation that no longer serves, I am able to thank whatever it is for showing me what it is that I needed to learn. I heard a conversation the other day where an elderly mother was saying to her son that she wishes that there would be no more fighting in the worlds. His response was “it is not realistic”. I judged him and my first response was “you are a tool” if we never imagine what it would feel like then of course it will never be possible. I felt so much love for the elderly mother whose vision it was for to have a world of peace. Then I sunk back into my heart space and sent the son love and compassion in the hope that one day he too will feel that there would be a world with no fighting and filled with peace. I also had to acknowledge that there was a time in me where I had limiting beliefs. Oh how sweet are the lessons of life! Sure he may be limiting to what his beliefs are but if I am calling him a tool it is because I myself have been “a tool” at some point. It is bittersweet. I release all things that no longer benefit me: objects, ideas, habits or relationships. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

 

 

 

 

Love

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo