4. Growth requires you to leave the familiar behind

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In 2015 my cousin died by suicide and chose to go home. I inherited her blue dinner set. My Zia gifted us with her earthly possessions and it is something that I use almost every day. Most days I don’t even notice it and on some days, it hits home harder than others. I often feel her nudges and cheeky playful spirit in the back ground to remind me why I am here. Suicide has taken two family members, my Nonno and cousin Cathy. The impact and death of these family members has shaped me in so many ways. The reality of their death has allowed me to understand the depth and meaning of so much more.

In August 2020 after I experienced a break down, followed by a break up, moving of states and everything else in between I was struggling to be here. Big time! It consumed my thoughts and I searched high and low for some peace. My all-consuming thoughts of despair engulfed me and the space of nothingness that felt too difficult to bear. The thought of death allowed me to feel some comfort. It didn’t mean that I was contemplating suicide, earth just felt like a really hard place to be. It was those darkest of days and months that actually taught me to be all of who I am. I gave myself permission to be my most authentic self with no masks and no labels.

Up until that time in my life I had felt that suicide prevention and awareness was my purpose and would always be a part of my life work. Whilst I still feel very strongly about the alarming statistics the way I view the world ultimately has changed or perhaps I have simply remembered who I am. What I do know is that when we have disconnected from the truth of who we are, a diagnosis of depression can easily be articulated. When you are no longer in alignment with gives you peace, the disharmony perpetuates and ill health is inevitable.

For me the disconnect was gradual. The reconnection wasn’t a specific time or place. It was almost 2 years of leaving no stone unturned and being willing to feel it all. It was trusting my own inner wisdom and guidance to do things differently. If it was up to western medicine I would be medicated and dictated by a diagnosis. It doesn’t mean that the healing has stopped, our healing is ever evolving and we get to meet different versions of ourselves each and every time.

To my Nonno who I have never met in this lifetime, I honour your path and take grace in what you have been able to teach me in your death. Cathy your cheeky spirit and courage allows me to understand so much more. Thank you for your guiding light and shining it on my path, leading the way. For in your death, you have taught me the gift of life.

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

 

1. When your chaos becomes your clarity

 

 

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Listening to our inner voice and knowing what is present in our bodies is not something we are generally taught to navigate. The disconnect that happens when we are not in alignment with ourselves can cause all kinds of chaos. For me personally I have known this all too well and had lived in disconnect for quite some time. I became comfortably numb. I cascaded down a deep dark hole and the attempt to climb out whilst it was coated in pain also gifted me a remembrance. Depression and anxiety became my new best friend in my mid 20’ and whilst it was debilitating, I was honoured with gifts of grace and humility. I was confronted with almost the same experience 20 years later. I was fraught with shame, confusion and guilt that I hadn’t been able to keep myself well. Possibly one of the worst things to feed a highly anxious, depressed and disconnected self.

I had more than dabbled with the system of mental health services and as much as we are lucky to have them available, I found that a lot of the work that I did was self-lead. Ultimately only I could be the one to make the changes to connect back to self and truly remember who I was and why I am here. The traditional services of what was available just didn’t work for me and fortunately or unfortunately couldn’t meet me where I was at. I had a lot of tools under my belt, I had kept myself “well” for 20 years. I was working as a disability advocate and had also been a peer support case manager yet I found myself to be on the opposite side of receiving services. This was great for my self-esteem and another layer that added to my perceived failure at the time.

What I couldn’t see was the massive disconnect to self that didn’t happen overnight, instead it happened over time and I became to understand it on a deeper level and knowing. When we keep adjusting ourselves to reflect our external surroundings and don’t live in the truth of our being we continue to neglect the essence of who we are. We may adjust ourselves for work, to people please, to keep the peace, to avoid conflict, to be accepted into a false reality or simply because we choose to dim our light for others to feel comfortable. It may not be noticeable to begin with and it may be a slight adjustment here or there but over time it causes chaos. Coming back to centre and connection to self becomes harder and living in the world of adjusting is what we have learnt to do.

Now I have come to learn and understand what that means to me. Recognising what connection and disconnection to self actually looks and feels like has been the catalyst for growth and expansion in my life. It has allowed me to understand myself in ways in which I have not known before. I am grateful for the depths of my darkness for it has allowed me to truly anchor my light in the here and now.

 

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

5. When your pain becomes your purpose.

 

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To be able to communicate what has transpired in the last two years in a blog would be impossible. The lessons have been huge and the healing has not been linear. It hasn’t been fun and there has certainly been times where I have found earth a really a hard place to be. What I do know is feeling disconnected from self would have to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It is scary, numbing, it feels like turmoil, it is difficult to understand and you no longer feel like you belong to the world which you once knew.

A few years ago I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. My world around me was literally breaking down, myself included.  My first hospital admission was at the age of 26 and I took pride in being medication free and well for 15 years. So when I found myself there AGAIN almost 20 years to the day I was like what the actual F*&K. How did I allow myself to get to the point of break down?

I was working as a Disability Advocate at the time and I was supporting people with mental health issues and here I was experiencing my own. Little did I realise at the time what would transpire would be an avalanche of wisdom and remembrance. Trust me it certainly didn’t feel like whilst I was in it. When I would hear people tell me that “everything happens for a reason” I honestly felt like telling them to F*&k right off. Spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity can be so detrimental to growth and my belief is that it is a huge disservice. If we don’t understand how we actually got to the space that we are in, then we can’t unravel what is.

Mental Health and its treatment from my own personal and professional experience is that is quickly labeled and medication is given to alleviate the symptoms. Sure medication has its place and it is sometimes required. I however don’t believe it is the only answer. The breakdown that I experienced ended with me being admitted to a psychiatric ward and medication was necessary. Thankfully for me, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew how to navigate the system and where to get support. My experience of medication this time around was something that I was adamant about having control over. For me it made me feel even worse than I already did. After 6 months with support I invested time and energy to alternatives.

However what wasn’t addressed was the massive disconnect that I had felt to self and others. How I had gotten to this point of what I felt like was no return.  I felt like I was in the darkest of tunnels. It was the light of others and a shit load of inner work that allowed my own spark to be ignited again. What has transpired in the last few years was a complete unveiling of everything that I had known. This process is where the magic truly happens, where you are invited to invest in your own tools and wisdom to the remembrance of who you truly are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

4. A breakdown, breakup and whole lot of breakthroughs!

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I have wanted to write this blog for a long while and found myself sitting in a lot of resistance and fear. The last 2 years have been huge and one in which I am still unfolding. A dear friend passed away about a month ago and I was jolted into how precious and short life can truly be. Within the same hour of finding out that she had passed I was also fortunate enough to win a scholarship to some business coaching. The polarity of emotion was extreme to say the least. It was the push I needed to finally launch my business into the world.

The last couple of years have been tough as they have been for so many. I struggled and at times still do. It’s not as heavy and consuming as it once was and I still have my moments. Earth can be a pretty dense place to live and life isn’t always filled with happiness and sunshine. Sometimes it is shit and hard. Yet we only seem to want to relish in the so called “good times”. We tend to shy away from the so called “hard” emotions and are told that in order to succeed that we “should” be positive and that happiness is a natural state of emotion. For me being content in it all feels far better than trying to shove the “perceived” bad emotions out of the way. I have found some pretty big nuggets sitting through my pain and the wisdom that I have been able to transpire has led me here.

I am not suggesting that we are born to suffer, we are most certainly not. However stars can only shine in the darkness. Community and connection are paramount. For me it was the light of my loved ones that allowed me to witness what I could not at the time. For a long while especially after being hospitalised, followed by a break up, moving states and a global pandemic I found earth a really hard place to be. Mum and Dad took me under their wings; I had no desire to look after myself and just living felt excruciating. I had very few people that were able to sit with me in that space. There is a lot around this and one in which I continue to explore. Light only exists because of the darkness and once we can truly embody all of this, is where I believe the magic truly lies.

The mental health of our nation is in crisis. The last two years has forced us to deal with what could no longer be hidden. It smacked us in the face even if we weren’t ready. I know and understand the depths of darkness and the beauty of igniting your light. It’s not easy or comfortable and the disconnection of self can be paralysing. However what I do know is by simply having the courage to own all of, it allows you the freedom to simply be you, to anchor your light and to truly remember who you are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

14. I am willing to release the pattern in me that is creating and negative conditions in my life.

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Healing, growing and learning is an aspect of life that we are always visiting. Personal responsibility is one of my greatest values and a quality that I admire in others. When we are able to look at a situation from a perspective that offers a different viewpoint it is also able to release patterns of negativity. I know for me one of the greatest challenges is the way in which I view the world at the moment. Having lived in Melbourne for most of my life it has been terribly difficult to view what has been going on without negativity and distaste.

 

How do we navigate what is going on in the world without being negative? I am not a fan of toxic positivity either. We simply can’t smile, say an affirmation and hope for the best. I know that this week for me stirred a response especially when I heard the news that a race affiliated to Melbourne Cup was going to go ahead. Why this was even contemplated made absolutely no sense to me. A week prior I watched a friend’s mum funeral where grandchildren were not able to attend. The pews at the back of the church were completely empty. The grandchildren potentially all could be seated safely distanced and adhered to the current guidelines. This was not allowed. Yet a horserace was being organised and more than 10 people being allowed to attend. Is this the current climate in which we want to live?

 

The decision for the horse race to occur was overturned. Voices were heard and some kind of rational mentality was implemented. As far as I was concerned the damage was done and the fact that this particular race was contemplated indicates that the restoration of humanity is far down the list of agenda items. For me this also indicates hope and that all of our actions matter. All of our voices deserve to be heard no matter how fragile or vulnerable they may be.

 

I know that I can’t continue to be angry with what is going on in the world. I can’t be led by frustration and negative patterns of helplessness instead I can focus my attention outwards to the many attributes of how I can be the change that I want to see in the world. If I remain the same and just pour out anger and distaste this is what will simply follow. Instead if I can connect back to my own inner light and sit with whatever is going on for me then I can connect back to the true essence of who I am and why I am here. Is it easy or fun to sit in the uncomfortableness of negativity? Pretty sure that is a no but what I do know that from this space there is growth and hope. What I do know is that the world needs our light more than ever. Blessed be and so it is. Thank you.

 

#2020#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

13. No one gets to choose for me. I make my own choices

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I went to a counselling session a few months ago. I was feeling very overwhelmed with life and not being able to see my family. My family is all based in Melbourne and I live on the Gold Coast. I have been living here for over 3 years. What I love most is that I could literally jump on a plane and be there in 2 hours and could do so every 8 weeks or so. I was explaining to the counsellor that I felt like my choice had been taken away. She disagreed. She explained that I did have a choice and that if I needed to get to Melbourne I could. To be perfectly honest she frustrated me with her answer so I didn’t explore what she said any further.

The reality is I can’t get on a plane and see my family when I choose and giving people perspectives in these situations isn’t always helpful as it doesn’t validate what is going on for the person. I have had endless discussion with people about choice especially when it comes to the pandemic that globally we are experiencing. For me it feels that our choices have been stripped from our very eyes and as a collective we are allowing it. Our government now chooses how we celebrate life, death and everything else in between.

I have stopped trying to allow other to understand my viewpoint and it is no longer my business. What I get to choose now is how I feel about certain areas of my life and. I’m tired of the polarity of arguments that is caused by what has been perceived to be either right or wrong instead of humanity rising in unity consciousness. For a long while I had been pouring a lot of energy into prochoice and in the process a massive cull of so called friends. That is OK. I understand that I am not here to be loved by everybody. I am simply here advocating for choice. So what we do get to choose is our thoughts and within that there also has to be a process.

For me right now I have no control or choice about getting to Melbourne. The borders are closed and I am basically not allowed in. Do I need to be positive and happy about it? No I don’t. I’ve listened to personal stories of people only being allowed to spend hours with their loved ones before they pass. Being forced to have the flu vaccination so that can see their parents in care and legislation that requires you to wear a mask even if you are in the middle of nowhere with no one around. So I choose action and in that I choose to connect further to how I can serve humanity.

What is my responsibility? What is my responsibility to my community? I am sure it is not being an angry bird and shouting posts of injustice (Although I have done) For me it is about connection to self, to come from a deeper understanding of who we are and what we are doing on this planet. Choosing what we want our lives to look like and taking action in doing so. If we are not taking the small steps towards ourselves and the community what hope do we have do rise in unity consciousness for the greater good? Whilst the light within is still burning there is always a choice of hope.

2020#connect2createchange#.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoo

12. I create a bubble of ease around me when I travel

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Creating a bubble of ease feels pretty pertinent to me right now. I live on the Gold Coast and for most of the time the energy is light and vibrant. However this is not always the case. A few days ago I visited Centrelink for a client. I was attempting to advocate and was abruptly greeted by a security guard who requested information. I was then asked the same questions only seconds later by a Centrelink staff member. There were no salutations, no smile and no sign of human connection. I was perplexed as to why the same questions needed to occur. I’m not entirely sure how the information that I presented about cold\flu like symptoms or questions about travel could have changed from the front door to the front desk.

By this time my energy felt heightened and there was no bubble of ease. I get it everyone in the world seems to be under huge amounts of stress and government officials are simply trying to follow instructions. What I am curious about is how does the simplicity of connection get lost through translation? Why couldn’t there be a smile? Why couldn’t the questions be asked in a more dignified manner opposed to barking orders? How do we navigate this world right now with ease?

For me my senses are heightened. I become anxious in harsh settings so I am finding new ways to create a bubble of ease when I travel to complete daily work and personal tasks. For my Melbourne family and friends I know this is an area that has become somewhat normal. I am finding our new so called “normal” confronting and somewhat suffocating. The signs that remind us not to stand too close, the arrows on the floors that dictate which way we are meant to be walking and the screens behind each counter that are protecting us from the spread of further infection.

So how do we travel with ease when it seems that as a collective we are somewhat divided? How do we continue to come from a place of love when we can have such opposing views in regards to what is happening in our universe? I am tired of debating what is true to me. It saddens me that I don’t know when I will see my family next. My soul hurts that so many are suffering because of restrictions. It is a cruel and harsh reality that we cannot celebrate life and death in ways that we are accustomed. We are all affected in one way or another but what we do have is compassion, what we do have is spirit and what we do have is a beating heart that reminds us that we are alive. A heart that sings true to the collective response of unity in consciousness and a reminder of being leaders of hope in all that we do.

2020#connect2createchange#.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

6. Today I move forward with confidence & ease.

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I have struggled to blog lately. One of the “rules” that I imposed on myself is that I would write about living with a compassionate heart even on the days when I didn’t want to. This allows me to see another side. It doesn’t allow me to sit in my crap and lay blame, instead it forces me to sit up and take responsibility for my own creation. Otherwise you would simply be reading a blog about how FKT up it has all felt. Entertaining perhaps but I imagine not so useful.

I read the affirmation for today and pondered how exactly do we move forward with confidence and ease? How can I write about this when I don’t feel confident or at ease with all the events that are taking place right now? Then I felt that this was exactly what I had to write about. The last few weeks have been heavy and unnerving to say the least. I haven’t felt very positive about the world and I have struggled to understand the huge polarity in viewpoints.

Towers in Victoria are being locked down and people are now being detained in their own homes without the liberty of even being able to access an outdoor area. Children entering Victorian schools will now have a temperature gun pointed to their third eye prior to entering a classroom. Masks are now mandatory on public transport. Not sure about you but that doesn’t make me feel at ease. What I do know is that I also don’t want to live in fear and I certainly live with hope that this is not our new normal. So how do I move forward with confidence and ease with compassion?

What I have recognised is what I can do and that is to use my voice. To trust that there is a bigger purpose for us all. To know that I just can’t sit back and expect it to happen and that I have to be a part of the solution and not the problem. Whilst I stay in a state of fear and anger there is nothing that I can do for myself or the world. What I do know is that I can keep being light. I have had endless conversations about what is going on in our world right now. There has been a sense of helplessness that there is nothing that we can do.

#connect2createchange# is a project that I have been working on for a while now. It has changed its direction a few times now but the message is always the same. Connection! Without connection to self we simply just exist. If we stay the same so does the rest of world. If we think we can’t do anything then we won’t. I’m not sure about you but I don’t want to have to wait to be locked in my home to exercise the right to be outside. We take action, we speak up, and we become unafraid to seek justice. We move forward with grace and ease.

 

#2020#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

2. I release all guilt and emotional hurt. I am free.

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I caught up with a friend while I was in Melbourne last week. Her brother passed away last year and her life has been turned upside down inside out in a way that she never imagined. We all deal with life differently. For now she is doing the best that she can with the challenges that she is experiencing. It is easy to be positive when life is going the way we would like it to be. But what about when life takes twists and turns and we are left in a place that we have never known before. Yes we have been told that every painful ending turns into a wonderful beginning but there is a lot of stuff that needs to happen before we get there. My friend and I chatted. We didn’t laugh and reminisce like we usually have; instead we sat in a place of our friendship that we have never been before. It was about being raw, vulnerable, and in an authentic space of pain and grief.

Would I have dared say to release your guilt and emotional hurt, you will be free. Not in a heartbeat. She is nowhere near ready to move on from the place that she is in and who am I to tell her otherwise. What we did laugh about was all the advice that she has been given to supposedly “move on” from where she is at. For now she is where she needs to be for her and her growth. That isn’t to say that it isn’t heart wrenching to see my once full of life, funny, animated friend in a way that I haven’t seen her before. What I do know is that I can simply be there and hold a space for her when and if she needs. I can’t take any of it away for her and a positive affirmation certainly isn’t going to fix anything.

So why am I choosing to write about positive affirmations about something that doesn’t feel positive at all. What I find to be true and real is the grace of how we deal with what is presented to us in life. How we overcome the obstacles that seem way too high at the time? Are we still kind and caring towards others? Or are we an angry asshole? It is all good and well to have positive affirmations floating around and sure I don’t disagree that a positive mindset is paramount to our lives. What I am most interested in is what happens when we are in the pits of our dismay, how do we respond to the world with the tools that we have? If there is no awareness to self or personal responsibility this process increasingly becomes more difficult and our “stuff” comes out in ways that is not healthy to self or those around us. So be and do what you need for you at the time and above all be kind. #2020#CREATE#connect2createchange#

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

8. The gifts of Imperfection – Brene Brown

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I spoke to my uncle a few days ago for his birthday. Uncles are such cool characters in our lives and they offer you a unique relationship. My uncle reminded me to be grateful for what we have, that time is precious and all we have is this moment. Sure it is what we know but how much of it do we truly practise each and every day? I know that there are certainly times in my life where I live in my head and I really don’t take the time or energy to really feel into the simplicity yet complex components of gratitude.

I know that it was the perfect reminder for me as I have so much to be grateful for. What I also know is that when I live from my head life becomes exhausting quickly. I have started my own business and now work as a sole trader providing support services. Having only started my business 5 months ago it is certainly something that I tend to think about a lot. Life changes all the time and we are always unearthing aspects of self. I am grateful that I have a box of tools to balance out the emotions and let me tell you there has been many. There seems to be a theme of life being hectic at the moment especially in the last few months. By hectic I don’t mean in a super fun, social fairy kind of way. Instead they have been emotional, heavy, stressful, and anxious with plenty of tears being shed.

Has it been fun? Probably not. Has it been worth it? Absolutely. I would rather be going through the emotions rather than pretending that they don’t exist. Life can throw you some really full on lessons at times. It doesn’t mean we have to accept them with positivity and a bag of fairy dust. Quite the contrary it has to be transmuted to where it needs to go before we can understand the impact of what it means for us in our lives. I am by no means suggesting that we have a pity party but let’s meet what comes up with some passion and full responsibility of what we have created.

When we remind ourselves that all we have is this very moment nothing else should matter and all the stories can disperse. Great in theory but when we are in the midst of our own drama it doesn’t seem to be that easy. Instead what I do know now is what I continue to learn. Who we were even 6 months is perhaps different to who we are today. It can be scary and exciting at the same time. What I know now more than ever is the lessons seem to appear thick and fast and what matters most is how easily we let go of what no longer is necessary. To immerse in what we need to for the time and to truly find the gifts that have presented. It doesn’t mean that it is all pretty instead what we can do is embrace the space that is. To my dear uncle thanks for the gift of your wisdom and to truly feel that time is so very precious, gratitude is everything and all we have is now. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

Xoxo