2. From disconnection to creative inspired connection.

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In September 2020 I didn’t just trip and fall, I fell smack bang on my face and had no idea what the F(*K had just happened. My mental health was on the decline and it was rapid, so much so that I had managed another admission into a psychiatric ward. A few months later I left the unhealthy relationship I was in, my home and job that I loved and moved back to Melbourne to be closer to family. Everything I knew was no longer. To say I was experiencing a dark night of the soul would be an understatement. It was a treacherous 18 months of rediscovering and remembering why I was here. There is always a message amongst the mess, yet the discovery wasn’t fun nor easy. In fact, it has been a shit load of pain, discomfort, severing of many unions and knowing now that I have unwavering faith of the strength that resides within.

My focus for recovery was that it had to be holistic. I sought many complimentary therapies that allowed me to look at the pillars of life when I was ready and willing. Within 6 months I had weaned myself off medication (under the guidance of a professional) and after a year I hired a coach to further support my wellbeing. I searched high and low for help and guidance of some kind, something tangible and something that would support me exactly where I was at. Each step of my recovery was different and required different modalities to meet me where I was at.

The truth was that I didn’t know exactly what I needed, however I did know that life for me as I knew it was no longer. At the time I was actively contributing to my community; I was employed as a disability advocate, I enjoyed being social, the beach was my happy place and for the most time I felt connected. What I wasn’t was truly connected to my authentic self. I was connected to aspects of self but I had neglected and abandoned myself in so many ways that it came in full force with a breakdown. I had no choice but to stop. It was the pause that I needed. Little did I know what would unravel at this time.

I couldn’t possibly encapsulate that time in one blog. It hasn’t been one thing and it has been everything. When I was discharged from hospital I was given minimal support, a shit load of medication and was left to navigate a system that unfortunately I knew my way around. Except this time, I found another way. What I do know is that this does feel like my life work. Lived experience, support, community, connection and a wholistic approach was how I supported myself especially through the last 2 years. As a peer support mentor I know that my why is guiding and supporting others from a space of disconnection to creative connection because stars can only shine in the darkness.

 

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

 

 

1. When your chaos becomes your clarity

 

 

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Listening to our inner voice and knowing what is present in our bodies is not something we are generally taught to navigate. The disconnect that happens when we are not in alignment with ourselves can cause all kinds of chaos. For me personally I have known this all too well and had lived in disconnect for quite some time. I became comfortably numb. I cascaded down a deep dark hole and the attempt to climb out whilst it was coated in pain also gifted me a remembrance. Depression and anxiety became my new best friend in my mid 20’ and whilst it was debilitating, I was honoured with gifts of grace and humility. I was confronted with almost the same experience 20 years later. I was fraught with shame, confusion and guilt that I hadn’t been able to keep myself well. Possibly one of the worst things to feed a highly anxious, depressed and disconnected self.

I had more than dabbled with the system of mental health services and as much as we are lucky to have them available, I found that a lot of the work that I did was self-lead. Ultimately only I could be the one to make the changes to connect back to self and truly remember who I was and why I am here. The traditional services of what was available just didn’t work for me and fortunately or unfortunately couldn’t meet me where I was at. I had a lot of tools under my belt, I had kept myself “well” for 20 years. I was working as a disability advocate and had also been a peer support case manager yet I found myself to be on the opposite side of receiving services. This was great for my self-esteem and another layer that added to my perceived failure at the time.

What I couldn’t see was the massive disconnect to self that didn’t happen overnight, instead it happened over time and I became to understand it on a deeper level and knowing. When we keep adjusting ourselves to reflect our external surroundings and don’t live in the truth of our being we continue to neglect the essence of who we are. We may adjust ourselves for work, to people please, to keep the peace, to avoid conflict, to be accepted into a false reality or simply because we choose to dim our light for others to feel comfortable. It may not be noticeable to begin with and it may be a slight adjustment here or there but over time it causes chaos. Coming back to centre and connection to self becomes harder and living in the world of adjusting is what we have learnt to do.

Now I have come to learn and understand what that means to me. Recognising what connection and disconnection to self actually looks and feels like has been the catalyst for growth and expansion in my life. It has allowed me to understand myself in ways in which I have not known before. I am grateful for the depths of my darkness for it has allowed me to truly anchor my light in the here and now.

 

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

5. When your pain becomes your purpose.

 

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To be able to communicate what has transpired in the last two years in a blog would be impossible. The lessons have been huge and the healing has not been linear. It hasn’t been fun and there has certainly been times where I have found earth a really a hard place to be. What I do know is feeling disconnected from self would have to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It is scary, numbing, it feels like turmoil, it is difficult to understand and you no longer feel like you belong to the world which you once knew.

A few years ago I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. My world around me was literally breaking down, myself included.  My first hospital admission was at the age of 26 and I took pride in being medication free and well for 15 years. So when I found myself there AGAIN almost 20 years to the day I was like what the actual F*&K. How did I allow myself to get to the point of break down?

I was working as a Disability Advocate at the time and I was supporting people with mental health issues and here I was experiencing my own. Little did I realise at the time what would transpire would be an avalanche of wisdom and remembrance. Trust me it certainly didn’t feel like whilst I was in it. When I would hear people tell me that “everything happens for a reason” I honestly felt like telling them to F*&k right off. Spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity can be so detrimental to growth and my belief is that it is a huge disservice. If we don’t understand how we actually got to the space that we are in, then we can’t unravel what is.

Mental Health and its treatment from my own personal and professional experience is that is quickly labeled and medication is given to alleviate the symptoms. Sure medication has its place and it is sometimes required. I however don’t believe it is the only answer. The breakdown that I experienced ended with me being admitted to a psychiatric ward and medication was necessary. Thankfully for me, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew how to navigate the system and where to get support. My experience of medication this time around was something that I was adamant about having control over. For me it made me feel even worse than I already did. After 6 months with support I invested time and energy to alternatives.

However what wasn’t addressed was the massive disconnect that I had felt to self and others. How I had gotten to this point of what I felt like was no return.  I felt like I was in the darkest of tunnels. It was the light of others and a shit load of inner work that allowed my own spark to be ignited again. What has transpired in the last few years was a complete unveiling of everything that I had known. This process is where the magic truly happens, where you are invited to invest in your own tools and wisdom to the remembrance of who you truly are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

1. Remember Who You Are

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I have been missing from my blog for some time. Life has certainly been happening and I have been presented with lots of twists and turns along the way. A blog post possibly won’t justify where and how I’ve journeyed the last year, so for now my intention is to simply be present with what is. It sounds great in theory and truly an art to manifest. If anything the last two years have taught us that being present is all we really have. The world as we knew it is no longer and in some ways that is worth celebrating.

What I can say is the last couple of years for me have been an absolute shit show. The lessons profound, quick and at times feel like you have fallen flat on your face with little room to breathe. I am not going to sugar coat or promote that everything happens for a reason or that the mess has become the message. To be perfectly honest everything I have once known doesn’t seem to matter anymore and all I know for certain is what is present in the here and now. What is real and what is not for each and every one of us.

What I am learning again is to trust. Disconnection to self and living in our current climate has been fkn hard (well for me it has been). I have struggled for the last 18 months or so big time and I have questioned time and time again what it is all truly about. Big questions I know and not ones that I have solid answers for. What was is no longer and what I have believed to be true and real is in fact, merely a distraction.

So for now what I feel to be real and true is to be simply in my light and darkness. I have sat in the murkiness and glory of my darkness for a while now. I didn’t rush the process, I didn’t force myself to feel better and I certainly didn’t practice positivity. In fact I did the opposite and accepted myself for where I was in those moments. The grace of time is allowing me to uncover the gifts that I am surely and slowly unwrapping, but this time I am in no hurry.

To truly surrender to what is, to remember who I am and why I am here. I am not going to profess that by any means of the imagination that I have it all worked out. Trust me I don’t, however what I do know is what exists is no longer working. I am tired of the old paradigm that we have lived in for so long and perhaps it is simply time to create a new one. A world where we tap into the ancient wisdom and inner knowing, remembering who we truly are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo