7. Don’t stop dancing in the darkness – Sonia

07. Sep
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Sadness, Self Love, Self Worth, Shadow, Soul,
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Suicide awareness week is approaching. For those that know me will also know that suicide awareness and prevention is something that I am passionate about and also something that is very close to my heart. When I use the words passionate and suicide in the same sentence it almost feels wrong. I am not passionate about suicide; I do however feel very purposeful about making a difference and creating change in this area. Our country is in a national crisis and where do we actually start and how do we actually make a difference. I don’t have the answers and I haven’t quite worked it out yet but what I do know is that connection and community are paramount.

A friend messaged me yesterday. She was angry at hurt about an incident that had occurred at her workplace. A colleague of hers was visibly upset as he had just heard the news of someone that had recently completed suicide. She felt horrible, angry and sad as she processed that yet another life has been lost to suicide. What was more startling for her is that he sat at his desk and cried, nobody seemed to be comforting him. Nobody around him at that time seemed to know what to say. Fortunately or not my friend has the inner resources to have a courageous conversation and talk about suicide. I have reflected a few times about what she has told me and at first I judged the others who simply couldn’t be present for another human being. Talking about suicide isn’t about unicorns and rainbows; instead it is real and raw and can be uncomfortable and tough.

I pray that we get to a point that we no longer have to talk about suicide because it simply doesn’t happen but until then we may need to find an alternative approach. When I feel into what suicide prevention and awareness means to be right now it is about having real and raw conversations. Too often we are told to “be strong”,” be grateful” or whatever positive affirmation it may be. Sometimes it is OK to just feel the shadows and process what needs to be. We avoid our darkness mostly because it frightens us. Our minds take over and we can spiral quickly if we don’t have the tools. What if we could simply be honest about what it means to feel dark and how much it hurts right now, opposed to scrambling up a strategy to make everything OK? What if the darkness that presents is perfect because that is the channel for growth?

I don’t proclaim to have it all worked out; in fact the last few months have been somewhat of a shit storm with the intensity of emotions that have transpired. This is life and we aren’t meant to do it on our own. We are meant to share and not from a place of shame or fear rather than from a place of courage, love and compassion for ourselves and others. It is the only way that we can truly support one another and show up exactly as we are in whatever moment that be. So in light of suicide awareness week let’s be real, raw, show up and create the change we wish to see in the world. #connect2createchange#

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxxo

24. Relationships are like assignments. – Marianne Williamson

I was reading one of my old time favourites – A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. It is one of the books that I can pick up at any given time and flick it to a page and read what I am meant to for that particular time. When I read the line it certainly grabbed my attention. The word assignments felt like a task or perhaps it was just the way I was feeling at the time. This got me feeling and thinking that if I felt like the word assignment was a task how was I viewing the relationships that I was currently in?

A few nights ago my partner and I were lying on the couch and in the distance I could hear what sounded like screaming. We live on a sometimes busy road so I didn’t take too much notice at first. Then the voice became relentless so we went across the road. We weren’t sure if we were entering an argument but as we approached it appeared there was a break up happening. The young girl was quite upset to the point of being hysterical. I offered her a hug but she declined and the screaming continued for a little while. I couldn’t help but think and feel about the situation and her distress. She has been in my thoughts not because I wanted to help or save her but because of my own past. In my 20’s when the marriage I was in ended, I didn’t know how to cope. They say the world is a reflection of you, so it did bring me back and how little is any self-worth I had at the time. I am not passing any judgement on the couple or the situation they were in rather an opportunity to reflect and learn.

The quote “relationships are like assignments” allowed me to reflect on my own relationship not with my partner but with myself, the most important relationship of all. I looked inside of myself and thought about my 26 year old didn’t know what self-worth was nor did she understand anything about self-love. It didn’t mean that I went back there to relive the experience rather to know that relationship with self it an area of our lives that we always must work on. We can’t expect others to make us happy nor can we depend on external circumstances to keep us fulfilled and happy.

This is not to say that connection isn’t necessary and paramount for us to live meaningful lives. Instead it is to say that the connections and relationships that we do have are ones that are built on integrity, authenticity and the absolute freedom to be whoever we need to be in this world of ours. To the young girl that was clearly distraught thank you for reminding me just how important loving self in all aspects is absolutely necessary. For her the journey of self-love and worth may have just begun, I don’t really know I can only stipulate. Each of us has our own paths to follow and assignments to fulfil. For me right now it is a reminder that my own relationship with self has room to grow, it always does, we are always learning. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

11. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom – Anais Nin.

07. Apr
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Adventure, Blessings, Peace, Risk, Self Love,
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I woke this morning with a heavy head and feeling restless. One of the things I love most about where I live is that I can see the beach as soon as I walk out of my bedroom. I walk across the road and the ocean is in front of me, it immediately soothes my soul. I’m not quite sure how I managed before. It all feels different now and for so many reasons. What I do know is that I can take a walk to the beach and instantly my being feels harmonious and at peace. Nothing else seems to matter at that point other than the roar of the waves and the sand between my toes. Sounds super corny I know, but it is how I feel.

As I watched the sun rise I felt the promise of a brand new day with no expectations other than to light up the sky and shine its magnificent light. I know when I do have a heavy head writing is something that allows me to empty my thoughts, to see again with fresh eyes and a new perspective. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and processing in the last few days. A lot of changes have taken place and for now I have finally stopped and have been able to embrace the new.

So as I sat this morning feeling restless I knew that writing would allow me to be present. I came across this quote and connected with what it felt like for me. Change is inevitable and it is what we create with it that makes a difference. The last 9 months I have moved to a different state, moved into shared accommodation, moved out on my own, found a job, left a job and about to start a new one. I have felt heart ache and opened up to new love. The emotions connected to it all have been somewhat overwhelming at times and the ocean my best friend. The outpour of what I have been able to explore in that time is a knowing that I can never go back to what was and nor do I want to.

Remaining in a tight bud doesn’t really work for me. I’m not really sure it is meant to work for anyone. Instead what I do know is the gift of risk far outweighs the pain of staying the same. It is not always an easy path. The stirring of emotions can at times avalanche into a mixture of pain, and growth ultimately leading to a new found path of peace. A feeling and place that allows you to feel the rhythm of your own soul and to hear the whispers clearly, for this is where self-love truly blossoms. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

4. Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime – Bette Davis.

04. Feb
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Feelings, Love, Self Love,
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I have been reflecting on pain and what that means especially in the last few days. I have been pondering this morning and felt an urge to write when I came across this quote. “Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime”. Perhaps I am still learning what love is. I know what it feels like to be loved by my family and closest friends but when it comes to relationships with men it is not something that I have always been able to reflect on with the fondest of memories. This isn’t a sob story on who did what because quite frankly that would bore the crap out of me. Instead it about acknowledging what was so I can move forward to what is.

We are so afraid of pain, being hurt, abandoned and don’t allow ourselves to be fully loved for who we are. We are frightened at the chance of our precious hearts being in anguish. I am not sure how much I resonate with the quote today, none the less it has allowed me to ponder what this means to me. This is my perspective and an area of my life that has had it great and not so great moments. Fortunately or unfortunately when it comes to love, men and relationships there has been more pain than not. Does this mean that I carry it for a lifetime or that it simply was and love is one the other side? For love is all there truly ever is. It isn’t about blaming rather acknowledging that I was also the creation of these stories. For me the most important relationship is the one that I have with myself. If I cannot love myself unconditionally then how can I expect this from someone else?

Unconditional love for self is something that I have learnt to give myself. I am happy being on my own. I have fought hard to be where I am today and it hasn’t been an easy or smooth ride. Would I change the pain? Not in a heartbeat. For when we hurt deeply we love even more. I was at a breakfast the other morning and the guest speaker spoke about her husband. The words reverberated through my body when she said, “I don’t need my husband, I want him” This was a turning point for me as I really felt what this meant. Have I been avoiding not being in pain opposed to rising and being in love?

I am certainly not professing to know the answers and all I can do is speak my truth. There is a saying that I particularly love. “We can’t write a new chapter unless we have turned the page” What if the new pages that we turned weren’t ones that were filled with trepidation and fear? What if the new story was one that we chose to live from a place of having an open heart and wanted to risk love more than pain? This isn’t just being in a romantic relationship but in all that we do. If we do not love from a loving place are we living at all? Blessed be and so it is so it is done.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoxoxo

23. If you want to see the love of your life, look in the mirror.

I came across this quote this morning and it struck a chord for a number of reasons. The most important relationship that one can have is with oneself and yet as humans we often put ourselves last. We tend not to look after ourselves well, we eat the wrong foods, and we indulge in things that do not make us feel good. We engage in conversations that leave us feeling drained and sometimes have relationships that are not in our alignment. Sound ridiculous but time and time again it happens.

When I read the words, “love of your life” the first thing that came to my mind was about being in relationship. So clearly this is where I have been going wrong! The love of my life has to be me first and foremost and then the rest will just fall into place, so it seems. Sounds so simple, yet it would have to be one of the hardest life lessons that I am still learning. Life is a work in progress. Having been in two long term relationships in the last 20 odd years has certainly shown me that I have not put myself first. The past is just that and there is no point in dredging it up other than to learn from what we have experienced.

Having been single for the last 5 or so years you reckon I may have learnt something by now. This time has certainly given me the space and energy to work on the love of my life, which by the way I now have discovered is me. I have certainly realised and understood the importance of self-love and take very active steps to nourish this relationship. What I also know is that this took me a very long time to understand. It was only because I hated so much of myself that I realised and understood how much of me there was to love. This evidently wasn’t something that I learnt overnight. It has been something that I continue to work on. I validated my love and worth through relationships and was measured by how much a man loved me. This by the way wasn’t a hell of a lot so you can imagine how high and established my self-worth was. By the way we teach people how to treat us, so my level of self-esteem was only mirrored by the relationships that I was in.

So in reflection I know that this is a reminder to keep my heart open. To live my life from my heart space and to remain connected to myself and others for this is living with a purpose. To truly feel and recognise that I am worthy and deserving of love. To honour and feel that my heart is open to receiving love gracefully and unconditionally. If you want to see the love of your life, look in the mirror. Blessed be and so it is.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE
Sonia

xoxoxo