The courage to choose…

Connection, Community and Courage are the core values in the work that I do. I truly know and believe that without these pillars and foundation our wellbeing and chance of recovery in mental health can present as an unregulated nervous system and somewhat chaotic. Life can bring us many challenges and equally it brings joy and light. An aspect of mental health and wellness that I have navigated is the “bridge”. It is recognising the versions of me that that ultimately brought me to this point in my life and basically a lot of undoing of who I have been and what I have learnt.

That is not to make any version of my former self right or wrong it is just to understand that there are aspects of self that have not served me, have led to unhealthy patterns and relationships and ultimately having had a really negative impact on my mental health. It is not about blame, rather it is about responsibility of my own wellbeing and ultimately recovery within the version that exists for me right now.

Different versions of ourselves are always emerging, we learn the lesson, people fall away, our hearts hurt and we allow ourselves to experience the full spectrum of what life has to offer. Within all of that we recognise the true essence of who we are which ultimately can be a challenge.

When one is in recovery and wellness begins to feel tangible there is a so called “bridge” that tends to appear. What this bridge looks and feels like can vary from person to person.  You see there is no clear path for crossing the bridge because you simply haven’t navigated it before. Old patterning and versions of your former self appear when you least expect it and it makes getting to the other side difficult and the cycle of suffering visits you once more.

What I do know is that with the guidance and support that works for you, understanding of what it is that you are gripping onto also created a space and path that becomes clearer and far more tangible for you to understand. The “bridge” being a representation of what is to be overcome and finding the tools and resources for you to allow the emergence of what truly exists within you.

Within the work that I do as a recovery coach there are so many others that experience the same feelings, thoughts and patterns. The path is never the same for we are all on our own unique path of recovery. Staying the same may feel comfortable and familiar, however the unwillingness to know the depths of the other side keeps you stuck and stagnated. Recovery and healing are never linear and there is not a one size approach that fits all. Instead find what works for you and sometimes the declaration of courage is all you need to do to be in the space of what truly awaits you.

CONNECTION. COMMUNITY. COURAGE

Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued” – Brene Brown

 

 

Connection to self in relation to mental health is a fundamental aspect of wellness. When we are disconnected from ourselves, it can create all kinds of havoc on our nervous system and our grounding becomes off balance. I am currently participating in a fundraiser walk for a foundation that supports suicide awareness and prevention. Whilst the intention behind it is unequivocally needed in the world we live in today, what seems to be amiss at times is how we truly connect.

What we do know about suicide is that in most instances, the person who chooses to complete suicide for the most part is connected to services, and for my cousin, even seeing her psychiatrist prior to the day of suicide. We can never know the true reason why someone chooses to complete suicide however what we do know is that the rates in which suicide is completed is increasing.

Whilst the subject suicide awareness and prevention is absolutely necessary what I feel is just as important is connection, not only connection to self but connection with people and professionals that are involved. During my time of recovery, I moved catchment areas. The initial service that was being provided I was disconnected and I was simply answering the same questions, it was horrible and I felt like I was being retraumatised during each time. I felt worse each time, I didn’t feel any momentum, and the little self-worth that I had at the time diminished even further.

I was hesitant to reengage with the service when I moved; however, I felt a nudge and I continued. After the first session, the social worker walked out of the office with me and said, “How about next time I see you, I can meet you and we can have a walk and talk session?” – “I would really like that,” was my reply. After our first walk and talk, I felt seen, heard, and connected. We met regularly and each time I felt safer and more connected to myself. The difference was that the “angel” disguised as social worker could see how uneasy I felt in her clinical office, she heard that I loved nature and she responded in a way that allowed connection and growth.

We can have all the services in the world, all the people around us; however, if there isn’t a connection that is met with depth and understanding, the disconnection to self only becomes more immense. The social worker that I worked with was a catalyst in my recovery. You can have all the qualifications in the world; however, if you are unable to connect with depth and courage, the interaction can be futile.

So, in light of supporting https://ksforruok.ruok.org.au/ and their philosophy to “Help prevent suicide by raising awareness and starting more life-changing conversations to support those you care about who are struggling with life” – yes, I am walking to raise awareness and funds and, in addition, to connect and commit to myself, my mental health, and the work that I do.

 

“May the courage of your heart always hear the whispers of your wisdom”

Sonia xxo

 

 

6. “The wound is the place where the light enters you” – Rumi

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Yesterday in Melbourne it was an amazing day filled with sunshine. I met a friend at a local beach and we spent the morning with her fur baby. There is something about sunshine, dogs, the beach and collecting shells that simply allows me to be in my happy place.

I got home and had been thinking about my dear friend that had passed last year. We had a celebration for her at a Labyrinth at a local creek and I felt called to go. Once I got there, I must have turned down the wrong trail and somehow missed the labyrinth. I decided that it didn’t matter and nestled myself alongside the creek amongst the trees.

When we had her celebration, which was over a year ago, we had thrown rose petals in the creek. She loved roses! I was overwhelmed with sadness about how much I would have loved to see her and talk to her about what was going on in my life. She was always filled with wisdom, courage and laughter and the legacy of her love is still present.

I decided that I would have a silent chat with her. I do this often and can still hear what she would say to me. What I did notice were the ducks in the creek, the trees that surrounded me as far as my eyes could see and butterflies fluttering all around me. I knew that my dear friend was letting me know that she had heard my whispers.

I had brought a journal with me that has some inspirational quotes amongst them. The word that kept coming up was “BRAVE”. The journal prompted me to answer some questions. It took me a while and I wasn’t sure how to reflect or answer the questions that I was being asked. What did it mean for me to be brave? Interesting questions and ones that took me some time to answer.

When I came across the quote today it prompted me to write this blog. We can’t change our past and ultimately it is our wounds that allow us to feel, explore and evolve to what is present. I have been through quite a bit of late. It has left me with an array of feelings, that I have been navigating and making sense of.

What being brave means to me is that our wounds are where we can allow the light to enter. It is a space of grace, where we can heal and nurture simply what is present. It’s not to say that it is all better and “fixed”. Life right now for me has taken a detour. I can allow the bravery of my soul to seek new opportunities and explore the range of emotions that have come to surface. Learning from our loved ones that are no longer here and embodying in the bravery of what life has to offer with breath, bravery courage & mindfulness.

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

5. “We hold the wisdom to the ancient ways; we will bring peace to these troubled days” – Lisa Dancing – Light

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(My dad and uncle doing what they do best)

This morning I woke up with a song on repeat in my mind. It got louder as I was making my cup of tea so I stopped and felt that there was perhaps a message that I needed to receive. There was one line in particular that resonated on a higher frequency “we hold the wisdom to the ancient ways; we will bring peace to these troubled days” [1] It got me feeling to a few days ago when my dad and uncle helped me do some maintenance around my house. In particular there was some trees that needed attention and they simply just got into it (as they do).

They have never received formal teaching, yet their knowledge of the land and the gardens that they cultivate is inspiring. The connection that they have to their land is admirable and so is their fitness level! I had such an invigorating morning being guided what to do. The natural flow of their work although infused with some disagreements about how it needed to proceed was completed in a few short hours. What I admired most was how it easily it came to them and I couldn’t help but feel a somewhat longing about the way they lived. It wasn’t a feeling that was new to me but it felt stronger and more alive in my being.

So, when I tuned into to the song that was on repeat in my mind this morning it was the line “we hold the wisdom to the ancient ways, we will bring peace to these troubled days” that perpetuated me to know that it was more than just a song and in fact a message for my higher self. I asked myself how can I do better when it comes to the earth that we live on? How can I continue to learn from the greatest teachers and wisdom that I literally have before me?

We live in a time and place where disconnection to self seems to be more often than not and connection and community feels somewhat disjointed. As a collective we have endured a lot of dissonance especially over the last few years. So how do we do better? I know that my why is to anchor my light and being deeply to the earth so that I can allow the love of the universe to work through me. Trust me I am not all love and light every hour of every day but what I do know it that being connected to nature is the only way. Listen to the nudges and the whispers of your soul for our highest self always knows the way. I am super grateful that the song played as I awoke as it was the perfect reminder. We simply have come to earth to remember who we truly are and to hold Mother Earth in deep reverence in all that she serves.

 

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

 

[1] https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=l_Y1dHQtQxg

4. Growth requires you to leave the familiar behind

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In 2015 my cousin died by suicide and chose to go home. I inherited her blue dinner set. My Zia gifted us with her earthly possessions and it is something that I use almost every day. Most days I don’t even notice it and on some days, it hits home harder than others. I often feel her nudges and cheeky playful spirit in the back ground to remind me why I am here. Suicide has taken two family members, my Nonno and cousin Cathy. The impact and death of these family members has shaped me in so many ways. The reality of their death has allowed me to understand the depth and meaning of so much more.

In August 2020 after I experienced a break down, followed by a break up, moving of states and everything else in between I was struggling to be here. Big time! It consumed my thoughts and I searched high and low for some peace. My all-consuming thoughts of despair engulfed me and the space of nothingness that felt too difficult to bear. The thought of death allowed me to feel some comfort. It didn’t mean that I was contemplating suicide, earth just felt like a really hard place to be. It was those darkest of days and months that actually taught me to be all of who I am. I gave myself permission to be my most authentic self with no masks and no labels.

Up until that time in my life I had felt that suicide prevention and awareness was my purpose and would always be a part of my life work. Whilst I still feel very strongly about the alarming statistics the way I view the world ultimately has changed or perhaps I have simply remembered who I am. What I do know is that when we have disconnected from the truth of who we are, a diagnosis of depression can easily be articulated. When you are no longer in alignment with gives you peace, the disharmony perpetuates and ill health is inevitable.

For me the disconnect was gradual. The reconnection wasn’t a specific time or place. It was almost 2 years of leaving no stone unturned and being willing to feel it all. It was trusting my own inner wisdom and guidance to do things differently. If it was up to western medicine I would be medicated and dictated by a diagnosis. It doesn’t mean that the healing has stopped, our healing is ever evolving and we get to meet different versions of ourselves each and every time.

To my Nonno who I have never met in this lifetime, I honour your path and take grace in what you have been able to teach me in your death. Cathy your cheeky spirit and courage allows me to understand so much more. Thank you for your guiding light and shining it on my path, leading the way. For in your death, you have taught me the gift of life.

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

 

2. From disconnection to creative inspired connection.

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In September 2020 I didn’t just trip and fall, I fell smack bang on my face and had no idea what the F(*K had just happened. My mental health was on the decline and it was rapid, so much so that I had managed another admission into a psychiatric ward. A few months later I left the unhealthy relationship I was in, my home and job that I loved and moved back to Melbourne to be closer to family. Everything I knew was no longer. To say I was experiencing a dark night of the soul would be an understatement. It was a treacherous 18 months of rediscovering and remembering why I was here. There is always a message amongst the mess, yet the discovery wasn’t fun nor easy. In fact, it has been a shit load of pain, discomfort, severing of many unions and knowing now that I have unwavering faith of the strength that resides within.

My focus for recovery was that it had to be holistic. I sought many complimentary therapies that allowed me to look at the pillars of life when I was ready and willing. Within 6 months I had weaned myself off medication (under the guidance of a professional) and after a year I hired a coach to further support my wellbeing. I searched high and low for help and guidance of some kind, something tangible and something that would support me exactly where I was at. Each step of my recovery was different and required different modalities to meet me where I was at.

The truth was that I didn’t know exactly what I needed, however I did know that life for me as I knew it was no longer. At the time I was actively contributing to my community; I was employed as a disability advocate, I enjoyed being social, the beach was my happy place and for the most time I felt connected. What I wasn’t was truly connected to my authentic self. I was connected to aspects of self but I had neglected and abandoned myself in so many ways that it came in full force with a breakdown. I had no choice but to stop. It was the pause that I needed. Little did I know what would unravel at this time.

I couldn’t possibly encapsulate that time in one blog. It hasn’t been one thing and it has been everything. When I was discharged from hospital I was given minimal support, a shit load of medication and was left to navigate a system that unfortunately I knew my way around. Except this time, I found another way. What I do know is that this does feel like my life work. Lived experience, support, community, connection and a wholistic approach was how I supported myself especially through the last 2 years. As a peer support mentor I know that my why is guiding and supporting others from a space of disconnection to creative connection because stars can only shine in the darkness.

 

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

 

 

1. When your chaos becomes your clarity

 

 

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Listening to our inner voice and knowing what is present in our bodies is not something we are generally taught to navigate. The disconnect that happens when we are not in alignment with ourselves can cause all kinds of chaos. For me personally I have known this all too well and had lived in disconnect for quite some time. I became comfortably numb. I cascaded down a deep dark hole and the attempt to climb out whilst it was coated in pain also gifted me a remembrance. Depression and anxiety became my new best friend in my mid 20’ and whilst it was debilitating, I was honoured with gifts of grace and humility. I was confronted with almost the same experience 20 years later. I was fraught with shame, confusion and guilt that I hadn’t been able to keep myself well. Possibly one of the worst things to feed a highly anxious, depressed and disconnected self.

I had more than dabbled with the system of mental health services and as much as we are lucky to have them available, I found that a lot of the work that I did was self-lead. Ultimately only I could be the one to make the changes to connect back to self and truly remember who I was and why I am here. The traditional services of what was available just didn’t work for me and fortunately or unfortunately couldn’t meet me where I was at. I had a lot of tools under my belt, I had kept myself “well” for 20 years. I was working as a disability advocate and had also been a peer support case manager yet I found myself to be on the opposite side of receiving services. This was great for my self-esteem and another layer that added to my perceived failure at the time.

What I couldn’t see was the massive disconnect to self that didn’t happen overnight, instead it happened over time and I became to understand it on a deeper level and knowing. When we keep adjusting ourselves to reflect our external surroundings and don’t live in the truth of our being we continue to neglect the essence of who we are. We may adjust ourselves for work, to people please, to keep the peace, to avoid conflict, to be accepted into a false reality or simply because we choose to dim our light for others to feel comfortable. It may not be noticeable to begin with and it may be a slight adjustment here or there but over time it causes chaos. Coming back to centre and connection to self becomes harder and living in the world of adjusting is what we have learnt to do.

Now I have come to learn and understand what that means to me. Recognising what connection and disconnection to self actually looks and feels like has been the catalyst for growth and expansion in my life. It has allowed me to understand myself in ways in which I have not known before. I am grateful for the depths of my darkness for it has allowed me to truly anchor my light in the here and now.

 

With a splash of Mermaid Magic and always let your heart lead the way.

Fairy wishes

Sonia

xxxx

5. When your pain becomes your purpose.

 

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To be able to communicate what has transpired in the last two years in a blog would be impossible. The lessons have been huge and the healing has not been linear. It hasn’t been fun and there has certainly been times where I have found earth a really a hard place to be. What I do know is feeling disconnected from self would have to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It is scary, numbing, it feels like turmoil, it is difficult to understand and you no longer feel like you belong to the world which you once knew.

A few years ago I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. My world around me was literally breaking down, myself included.  My first hospital admission was at the age of 26 and I took pride in being medication free and well for 15 years. So when I found myself there AGAIN almost 20 years to the day I was like what the actual F*&K. How did I allow myself to get to the point of break down?

I was working as a Disability Advocate at the time and I was supporting people with mental health issues and here I was experiencing my own. Little did I realise at the time what would transpire would be an avalanche of wisdom and remembrance. Trust me it certainly didn’t feel like whilst I was in it. When I would hear people tell me that “everything happens for a reason” I honestly felt like telling them to F*&k right off. Spiritual bypassing and toxic positivity can be so detrimental to growth and my belief is that it is a huge disservice. If we don’t understand how we actually got to the space that we are in, then we can’t unravel what is.

Mental Health and its treatment from my own personal and professional experience is that is quickly labeled and medication is given to alleviate the symptoms. Sure medication has its place and it is sometimes required. I however don’t believe it is the only answer. The breakdown that I experienced ended with me being admitted to a psychiatric ward and medication was necessary. Thankfully for me, this wasn’t my first rodeo. I knew how to navigate the system and where to get support. My experience of medication this time around was something that I was adamant about having control over. For me it made me feel even worse than I already did. After 6 months with support I invested time and energy to alternatives.

However what wasn’t addressed was the massive disconnect that I had felt to self and others. How I had gotten to this point of what I felt like was no return.  I felt like I was in the darkest of tunnels. It was the light of others and a shit load of inner work that allowed my own spark to be ignited again. What has transpired in the last few years was a complete unveiling of everything that I had known. This process is where the magic truly happens, where you are invited to invest in your own tools and wisdom to the remembrance of who you truly are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

4. A breakdown, breakup and whole lot of breakthroughs!

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I have wanted to write this blog for a long while and found myself sitting in a lot of resistance and fear. The last 2 years have been huge and one in which I am still unfolding. A dear friend passed away about a month ago and I was jolted into how precious and short life can truly be. Within the same hour of finding out that she had passed I was also fortunate enough to win a scholarship to some business coaching. The polarity of emotion was extreme to say the least. It was the push I needed to finally launch my business into the world.

The last couple of years have been tough as they have been for so many. I struggled and at times still do. It’s not as heavy and consuming as it once was and I still have my moments. Earth can be a pretty dense place to live and life isn’t always filled with happiness and sunshine. Sometimes it is shit and hard. Yet we only seem to want to relish in the so called “good times”. We tend to shy away from the so called “hard” emotions and are told that in order to succeed that we “should” be positive and that happiness is a natural state of emotion. For me being content in it all feels far better than trying to shove the “perceived” bad emotions out of the way. I have found some pretty big nuggets sitting through my pain and the wisdom that I have been able to transpire has led me here.

I am not suggesting that we are born to suffer, we are most certainly not. However stars can only shine in the darkness. Community and connection are paramount. For me it was the light of my loved ones that allowed me to witness what I could not at the time. For a long while especially after being hospitalised, followed by a break up, moving states and a global pandemic I found earth a really hard place to be. Mum and Dad took me under their wings; I had no desire to look after myself and just living felt excruciating. I had very few people that were able to sit with me in that space. There is a lot around this and one in which I continue to explore. Light only exists because of the darkness and once we can truly embody all of this, is where I believe the magic truly lies.

The mental health of our nation is in crisis. The last two years has forced us to deal with what could no longer be hidden. It smacked us in the face even if we weren’t ready. I know and understand the depths of darkness and the beauty of igniting your light. It’s not easy or comfortable and the disconnection of self can be paralysing. However what I do know is by simply having the courage to own all of, it allows you the freedom to simply be you, to anchor your light and to truly remember who you are.

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

3. The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything. Albert Einstein

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I am assisting someone with an appointment this week. I made contact with the medical practice to follow up the location and appointment time. I was informed that because of my medical status that I was unable to enter the practice and that I would need to wait outside. I informed the staff member that mandates had been revoked and the response was that it was policy. I questioned the ethics of the decision and confirmed that a medical practice was denying an individual access based on their medical choices. The response – “I just follow the rules”.

Quite frankly “I just follow the rules” simply doesn’t cut it anymore. Whilst we are all simply following the rules, the world in which we now live in is one that I no longer recognise. We want to follow rules that are unethical, do not follow a code of conduct and go against the fundamental principles of humanity. Sadly this is not the first time that I have heard this line being thrown around. We claim to care for people and their wellbeing and want to be recognised for being a good human for “following the rules” yet we are happy to turn a blind eye to the mistreatment.

Rather what needs to be recognised is that doctors are bound by APRHA Australian Health Practitioner Regulation Agency. Some of the these directives include;

  • Doctors have a responsibility to protect and promote the health of individuals and the community.
  • Patients trust their doctors because they believe that, as well as being competent, their doctor will not take advantage of them and will display qualities such as integrity, truthfulness, dependability and compassion. [1]

These are only to name a few, yet we don’t seem to question the status quo of our own moral compass and simply do as we have been told especially so in the last two years. Many of us are not in agreeance with the way policies have been navigated yet we continue to comply without any conscious thought of our own behaviour.

I don’t have any solid answers to what we are experiencing in the world right now nor do I claim to know how to change it. What I do know is that the more that we are able to understand ourselves and who we are the more that we are able to live the way in which life was intended. For some this level of acceptance may be justified. For others perhaps it is an opportunity to look deeper within.

When we examine and evaluate our values that we are aligned with yet do not live them in our daily work and practice, I wonder if this is living or simply existing? As Albert Einstein quotes “The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything” To some extent each time we simply “follow the rules” that are not in our alignment or values we must ask ourselves, is this the world that we are choosing?

With a splash of mermaid magic and let unicorns lead your way.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia xxo

 

[1] https://www.medicalboard.gov.au/Codes-Guidelines-Policies/Code-of-conduct.aspx